Saturday, October 7, 2017

Sharing the Downhill

I can feel myself slipping. Losing grip of life. I don't know how I got here again. It might just be a bump in the road, but right now it feels like I've gone back to square one. Back to that empty feeling and the silent tears.
As a person who's been depressed, and gotten better, my biggest fear is always to relapse. To somehow end up in the same place I was before. And I'm scared to admit that I might be slowly on my way there. And I don't want to, but it's hard when I don't even really understand or know where this feeling of sudden emptiness and indifference is coming from. It's a bump in the road to not be able to find an apartment in England, and it's a bump in the road to be in a vicious cycle that is called "you have to have a full time job to be able to get an apartment". It's just a bump in the road, so why am I feeling like I've gone back to square one? Stuck, once again.
I'm only seeing the 4 same people, over and over. My 3 family members, and my one friend. All other friends have gone off to university in other cities or other countries, and I didn't expect to be in this country anymore by September. But of course I'm here, and so I'm starting to feel very... Isolated. I love these 4 people, but after 13 years of seeing multiple different people 5 days a week, it's quite a change to just see 4 people, 3 of them every single day, and one of them maybe once or twice a week. It's getting horribly repetitive and I just feel so stuck.
On top of that, I'm also having very vivid dreams every single night. And in these dreams I'm hanging out with the people who caused me so much heartache. Every. single. night. The same people, different scenario. Different story being played out. And it's so tiring to go to sleep when I know I'll wake up disoriented and think "what the hell was that?". I'm aware I'm sounding insane. But I'm just being vulnerable.

I don't know what to do.

The England dream is slipping away, because every time I get in contact with an estate agency I get the same reply: I have to have a steady income to be able to rent through them, or I have to be able to pay 6 months' rent upfront, which I can't do because I don't have that much money. To get a steady income (aka a job) I have to be able to go to job interviews, and I can't fly back and forth to England all the time. And nobody wants to hire somebody who doesn't know when they'll be back in the country. So that means to get a job I have to live in England. But I can't live in England when I don't have a job. Humans really know how to put other, younger, humans in vicious cycles.

The thing is, I want to get out of here. And right now, every extra month I have to live here is torture. It might just be a month, or two, until I manage to move, but it feels like forever. Because I've wanted to get out of here since I was 13 years old. But here I am, 6 years later, feeling just as trapped as then, but in a completely different circumstance.

I wish the dreams would stop. I'm getting tired of being visited by demons every night. I'm not necessarily having nightmares, it's more just tiring dreams about things that happened, or didn't happen, and my brain trying to process them. I thought I had left these demons behind, at least a little bit, but they seem to keep wanting to pop up in my brain. So now I'm dreaming about them during the night, and because I dream about them, I then think about them during the day. And that's another vicious cycle, but that one I seem to have created myself.

Right now, I just want to leave everything and go. Go travel a little. Go figure out what I want to do with my life. But I can't, because all the money I have I need for England. Because of Brexit I really have to get into the country before March 2019, otherwise I would just put the England dream on hold and go travel for a while. But because of Brexit I can't, and I have to get into the country.

The worst thing about slipping, and relapsing (somewhat), is that I have absolutely no motivation to get better again. I don't want to talk to my parents, because I don't want them worrying about me (they worry anyways). And since my 3 year of free therapy ended, I don't have my therapist either. I'm still on anti-depressants, but they're not doing a lot for me right now, and the last thing I want is to up my dosage. So, it seems I'm on my own. At least for now.

I would love to write about how happy my life is, but since I shared my uphill, I thought I should share my downhill. Because life isn't picture-perfect, and sometimes you end up going down a really steep hill. And here comes the feeling of failure.



"I have my fair share of demons,
all come with different sets of
nightmares.
You'd think I might've seen
someone get killed.

No,

I just saw heartbreak
and disgusting words
being thrown around
like nothing.

So in my head they live,
these demons
with their nightmares.

I just hope their counterparts
have nightmares too."

I leave you with that poem I wrote a few days ago.
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I want to state that I wrote this blogpost on a Saturday evening when I was feeling especially crappy. Mental health goes up and down, and I don't think mine will ever be on a constant high or constantly on a line. I think it's almost what I've come to expect. But I wanted to share this because it's real and I want my blog to be real and honest. And this is real and honest.
However I don't want anyone to worry about me, it's just, as I write, a bump in the road.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

New Camera, Who dis?


Oh Hi!

As I mentioned in my last blogpost, I had ordered my first DSLR camera and was waiting for it to arrive. Well guess what? It arrived!
The impatience I felt, as I charged up the battery was a whole new thing. I don't think I've ever been that impatient before. But while the battery charged I attempted to read the manual and I got about half way through it, before I decided that it was enough for one time. One day I will finish it though. However, I wanted to learn about the key features because I don't want to be one of those people who buys a 500€ camera and then only shoots using auto-mode, because in my opinion that's some serious waste of money.


I looked at many different cameras, mostly Canon and Nikon, before deciding on the Nikon D5300. I have to be honest and say that the reason I bought it was because of the reasonable price and the flip-screen. Many DSLR cameras that have a flip screen seemed to be too expensive, but this one was reasonably priced at 495,90€ for the body and the AF-P 18-55mm VR lens on DigitalRev. I originally ordered the Nikon D5300 with 18-55mm VR lens but there was some problem locating it so they asked me if I wanted to upgrade to the other lens without extra cost, and of course I said yes. Honestly, I don't know the difference between those lenses, but oh well.


So far, I'm really enjoying the camera. It's smaller than I thought it would be, but that's certainly not a negative thing. Because of the size of it it's easy to hold and I can imagine that it's going to be a lot easier to carry around for a longer period of time than if it would've been bigger. 
What I also enjoy about the camera is the Wi-Fi. I read a lot of reviews saying the Wi-Fi isn't very good, but I have nothing to compare it to. I like the fact that I could just download an app and then connect my phone to the camera, and voila I get all the pictures I take with my camera to my phone. I also like the fact that I can place my camera on a tripod or something, and then use the app to take pictures with the camera. And I can also use a timer so I press the button to take a picture and it waits a few seconds before taking the picture. That way if I have no one photographing me, I don't have to run to the camera back and forth, and can instead use my phone to take the photos. Also spares me having to buy a remote control for the camera.


One thing I don't like about the whole Wi-Fi thing is the fact that every time you shut of your camera the connection gets dropped. So every time you turn on the camera, if you want the Wi-Fi you have to turn it on and then connect your phone. And because I'm extremely lazy I don't like that I have to do that. But I guess it's something I'm going to have to live with.

Now I'll leave you with some test-shots I took yesterday, after the battery had been fully charged. I'd like to note that these pictures haven't been edited in any way, I've just resized them and added my logo. All photos were taken using the manual setting.








What do you think? Do you think I wasted a lot of money buying a DSLR camera or do you think it's a smart purchase? Do you own a DSLR camera? Let me know♥
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