Saturday, December 10, 2016

When Life Hits You (literally)

Oh Hi,

I'm not going to lie and say that I know the point of this blogpost, because I don't. I guess I'm writing it to figure out my thoughts and to process the thing that happened. I don't know.

On Fridays I start school at 11am. It's my favourite day of the week because I get to sleep in, sometimes even to 9am. Yesterday I woke up at 8:30am because I had decided to do my makeup, and that takes time. I usually spend mornings like this (when I start school at 11) by watching youtube videos while doing everything, so I did my makeup while watching youtube videos and I ate my lunch watching youtube videos.
I was running a little late, because I started eating lunch a little late. I had aimed to be out of the house by 10:30am but I got out of the house at 10:34am. Four minutes is a lot when it comes to driving 20 minutes to school. I also had to scrape off the ice that had formed on my car windows so I left in my car at 10:38am. I thought if I drive exactly the speed limit and don't get anyone in front of me who drives super slowly I'd make it just in time to the info-hour at school (that started at 11am then).
I drove through two red lights (well they were turning yellow and they had just turned red when I drove through them) but ended up behind a car going slowly. That car turned off the road and as I was heading out of my town I sped up to 80 km/h (which is the speed limit).
However, I ended up behind a 5-car trail, the first car going about 70 km/h and then obviously the other cars going about the same speed. Annoyingly I wondered if maybe I could overtake the cars but thought there's no way I'll have that much time to one by one pass by 5 cars. So I decided I'm just going to be late to school. I just have to go 70 km/h even though the speed limit is 80 km/h.
The car in front of me was driving kind of slower than the other cars in the trail. I was wondering why and decided I'm going to have to slow down so I don't get too close since I saw that the road was icy. We got up on a hill and as we start rolling down the hill I notice that the car is slowing down, but not signalling or anything like that. The car suddenly start hitting the breaks and signalling like 5 meters before the turn. We're going almost 70 km/h. I hit the breaks, because a car was coming towards us on the other side of the road so I couldn't pass the car, and I just prayed I'd stop in time and not hit the car. My car was sliding on the ice, not coming to a complete stop but slowing down enough so that I didn't hit the car in front of me, which was now turning to the right going off the road to a smaller road. I had time to think angry thoughts and then I hear a loud bang.
I didn't feel anything, I don't remember the feeling of the impact when the car that drove behind me hit me in the back of my car. It was just a loud bang, and my car started sliding forward, and I knew that my car was going to go on the wrong side of the road if I didn't do anything. I remember thinking "WHAT DID I LEARN WHAT SHOULD I DO IF MY CAR STARTS SLIDING ON ICE I DIDN'T LEARN WHAT TO DO IF I GOT HIT BY A CAR" but I turned the wheel to the right, making my car do an almost 180° turn and slamming into a pile of snow on the side of the road that the car in front of me had turned to. As my car came to a stop in the pile of snow the panic of course started.

It was a car of four 20-something-year-old guys that had hit my car in the back. They hadn't kept their distance and when I had to stop they didn't have time to stop and as we were going down a hill they hit me going 40-60 km/h (unclear exactly how fast). The driver did have time to slam the breaks but because of the ice and the downhill the car didn't stop in time.

I'm fine. I'm not hurt, not badly at least. I don't know how because I hit that pile of snow with some force. I should have a dislocated shoulder, whiplash and concussion. But nope. Just pains where the seatbelt was, because obviously the seatbelt did its thing and stopped me from flying forward and I went forward with kind of a lot of force. Also I'm having a horrible headache, my ear hurts (probably from the loud bang), my back hurt because it hit the seat pretty hard, my neck feels very uncomfortable but not directly hurting and my knee hurts a little. But it could be worse, and I feel like it SHOULD be worse. Seeing the damage it did to my car I thought I should be off much worse. I thought I'd wake up today and almost not be able to get out of bed. But I'M FINE.
The mental part is the hardest. I've already had flashbacks to me sliding into the pile of snow, and when I was in my parents' car yesterday, going to school and home from school I was very scared, telling dad to go super slow because whenever he came close to a car I almost felt the feeling when the car hit me. 
It's also hard to think that there's literally nothing I could've done to avoid the situation once I was behind that car that didn't signal in time. I could've not been in a hurry and been way past that hill once the car made the turn. But I could've also been way behind it when it made the turn. But I was in that situation and I couldn't have stopped the guy's car hitting my car. Because it was all on them once my car had stopped.
The guys called the cops (no ambulance though and I would've really liked to sit in an ambulance once in my life, and when a situation like that happened I would've liked to make the most of it) and they came 10 minutes later. I called dad, because I was panicking, and dad came a little after the cops came.
I didn't get out of the car before the cops came because I was scared, I was crying, I was hyperventilating and I couldn't even get out of the car through the driver's side. I didn't even know if I was allowed to get out. I couldn't move the car so I just stayed in the car.
The cops said it was clearly the guy's fault because he should've kept enough distance to be able to stop. He didn't so his insurance is going to have to pay for my car to get fixed or for me to get a new car.
The cops were done with me pretty fast, they saw that I was very shaken up and they ensured me that I had done nothing wrong and that I could go to school if I wanted to. Dad drove me to school.
I had texted my friend to let her know what had happened so she'd know I was late to school and she had told my favourite teacher. That teacher had then informed the rest of the teachers because it was kind of a big thing so when I came to school I got treated like a princess. Teachers hugged me and said they were so glad I was okay and they let me tell them the whole thing (I probably repeated myself a lot because I was in shock) and they got me water and tea and they were really understanding, everyone.
All my friends gave me hugs and told me they were so happy I was okay. I was on the edge of crying every time a friend came to hug me because I was very emotional. And the whole day at school my friends made sure I was okay and that I was never alone in case I needed something.
I'm okay. I'm alive. I'm weak, I'm emotionally unstable, I'm probably going to be scared of driving but I'm here and I'm trying. It's very frustrating that there's nothing I can do to go back to how I was before the accident. I will always see that turn and be scared. My body is sore and it's a constant reminder that something happened yesterday. My whole family is a little shaken up and there's one less car in our yard. Even my dog noticed something was wrong with me (God bless dogs).
The worst part is that life doesn't stop. I have schoolwork that needs to be done before Monday. I have a biology exam on Wednesday that I should study for. I have a social studies exam on Friday that I should study for. But my brain is hurting when concentrating and my body is hurting. And all I want to do is sleep and watch youtube videos. Most of all I want to feel like myself again.
But I have to remind myself I'm alive. I'm not hurt in any bad way, I'm just shaken up really badly. I have to remind myself I get to sleep in my own bed and not in a hospital bed like I could be doing right now. I have to remind myself I have friends and family that are so happy I'm alive. And I have to take deep breaths and try my best to continue with life. I have to try my best to not stop driving (which is why dad and I are going to go drive tomorrow), and I just have to let my body heal. I'm okay. I'm alive.

This is also a reminder to everyone who reads this and drives a car: keep your distance. Wear your seatbelt. Signal in time. Do all you can do to keep yourself and others safe in traffic. So that nobody has to suffer through a car accident because of mistakes that you make. The guy's car was fine, it just had a few scratches. They continued to where they were supposed to go. They didn't have panic attacks. None of them where hurt. Thank God. But I wish they would've kept their distance, so that they would've had time to stop. So that I wouldn't be in this mindset right now.
Do all you can do to stop situations like this from happening. And if it's unavoidable, make sure you wear your seatbelt. It really does save you a lot of pain.
I'm okay. I'm alive. And so are you, please keep it that way too.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Because I Feel Like I Conquered the World

*Trigger warning: depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, self-harm. Please don't read if these things trigger you because I want only the best for you and you are worth all the good things in the world and you deserve to take care of yourself♥*
When I was thirteen or fourteen I wrote my first suicide letter. I dedicated a page or so to each important person in my life. I remember writing in english because I felt I could articulate better then. It was night, I had been crying for several hours and I had probably had an exceptionally bad day or week or month or year. I decided I'd write a beautiful suicide letter so that when I was gone my loved ones would understand why I did what I did and why I left them and why I couldn't do it anymore. I did it because I didn't want to leave without an explanation and because I needed time to prepare myself.
I don't think I ever wanted to die, but I wanted the pain to end. I wanted the cuts in my heart to stop bleeding and I wanted the monsters in my head to stop screaming. I wanted peace and quiet and anything but what I was feeling. I wanted to leave the place I was stuck in, leave the people I was stuck with, leave the horrible words and the horrible thoughts and the horrible things and go to another world. I wanted so badly to escape from the darkness that was surrounding me. I wanted so badly to never ever have to hear some people again. I wanted to silence people, but for them to be quiet I would've had to leave.
I never finished that suicide letter because I decided I was so tired I had to go to sleep. it was probably at 3am that the tears finally stopped and the exhaustion overtook me and I had to put down the pen and the papers and tell myself that I'd continue next night. I never continued. I don't know why I didn't, but I'm happy I never finished that letter. 
When it was the worst I couldn't even bare go to school. When I was made to go to school I remember having to breathe deeply so I wouldn't get a panic attack. I remember so clearly the feeling of the walls closing in, the feeling of walking into school and having to take a deep breath. I remember the walk through the hallway to my locker, how I'd feel so fragile, so scared that someone would look or laugh or say something demeaning. I remember the anxiety I felt, every single day, on the walk, from where my mom dropped me off, to school. I remember the ghost in my throat as I pulled at the school door to walk in. And I remember so clearly the white walls and the people sitting on benches and looking at me when I came in through those doors.
I remember the blood and the scars from the razor, I remember the tears as I did that stupid thing to myself. I remember preparing the line if someone would ever see the cuts. "Oh my dog scratched me".
But I also remember the last day of my life in that horrible school. I remember the happiness of leaving that place, of never ever ever ever having to enter that building again. I remember the relief as I walked to my mom's car and got in and knew that I never have to suffer those three years again.
I also remember the scars healing. And the light shining a little bit in the darkness. And then a little bit brighter, and brighter, until the only darkness was the little spot you see when looking directly at the sun.
I remember the ups and the downs and yes, some things still hurt. Yes I still cry when thinking of those years in that terrible building and yes I still cry reading my old diary. But I can now see the light and I can say that there is something more than just darkness and monsters and bleeding. There is happiness and good people and good days and also yes there are bad days. But the good days are more than the bad days and the bad days aren't as bad as they used to be. Because even the deepest hole can be filled almost fully.
And a week ago I quit my depression meds and even though right now the withdrawal symptoms are crazy and the room spins even when I'm sitting down, it's victory. Because I made it through the darkness and I dragged myself up from the ground and I got to the top of the mountain, conquering the world.
I know there will be bad days, but I know they are nothing compared to what I've gone through. Because I know I will never be in the darkness I was then and I never have to hear the monsters scream that loudly again.

Please take care of yourself and get help if you feel anything like I felt, or even if you feel less than what I felt. Your mental health is so important and you deserve to feel happy and loved. If you want someone to talk to I'm always here, just hit me up on twitter @itsmaddiehbu or go talk to your school nurse or just someone you trust, you can even go to the hospital like I did. There are people who care and there are better days coming. Please remember that you're worthy and so so so so beautiful and important. I love you and so many others love you. You're the only you and we need you here. You can do this, I believe in you♥

useful links that helped me and might help you:

Suicide hotlines in different countries (just search for your country and call, they're there to talk and you're completely anonymous!)
The quiet place (helps you relax)
The Thoughts Room (you can went anonymously and just watch the words go off into space)
The Comfort spot (a community of people cheering each other up. You're completely anonymous and can give other people love as well as receiving love yourself! Also available as an app in apple store and google play)
90 Seconds Relaxation exercise

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Where I Belong

Oh Hi!

This post might be all over the place or then it might make sense. It's a bit of a stream of consciousness. 
So I was recently to London for the first time. Firstly, it was my first time ever travelling outside of Scandinavia, and it was my first time travelling outside the country without my parents. Secondly, I traveled to a place that I've dreamt about going to for years. All since I started learning English and learnt that there was a place called London I've wanted to go there. So I went.
I have to admit, I was scared shitless. Not to travel without my parents, no, but I was scared that I was going to love it so much that I never wanted to leave. Because that complicates things. That makes me have to start thinking about how to save up to be able to move there. 
Obviously that happened. I loved it so much and it felt like home. I felt safe, I felt like I could be truly myself, I felt like I could chat to anyone and I felt invincible. A clear example is the fact that there I could walk around not feeling judged or looked at, even though people probably judged and looked, whereas here I have to do an hour long pep talk before I can go to the mall. 
I was the happiest I've ever been. I felt secure and safe, and I felt like I belong there. And I truly believe that I'm destined to live there, or at least somewhere in England. 
This is a scary feeling, but at the same time fulfilling. I now know where I belong and where I have my place, but if I want to actually be where I belong I have to move away from my family and I have to seriously work hard to be able to move there. England is not cheap, especially not London. But I'm a dreamer, so I believe it's possible. 
Realising all of this also made me thankful. I have something to look forward to, I have a place I know I can go to if everything here gets screwed over. Yes, I'll have to leave my family and friends, but at the same time I've always known this home I have now is temporary. This home country is temporary. I've always known that I don't want to live in Finland for the rest of my time. I have a huge love for the English language and it's the language I wish I could speak all day, every day. 
I guess I'm in a conflict. I love it, and I know I'll move there. But I'll have to leave everything behind. And at the same time I'm thankful, because starting over is probably the best thing I can do. Starting over means new opportunities and an ever bigger chance of being myself. I'm growing, I'm developing and I'm changing. But now knowing where I belong gives me peace, at the same time as it worries me, because I'll have to let my parents know at some point.
However, all of this is distant. I still have a lot of work to do before I can go live where I belong. Until then I guess I'll continue dreaming.

Friday, May 27, 2016

18 Things I've Learn In 18 Years

Oh Hi!
Long time no talk. Let's not get into that.
I turned 18 recently and while it's not that big of a deal (despite the fact that I now have hold of my own bank account, I can drink if I want to and I can drive as soon as I get my drivers license) I still reflected over it all. The reason why birthdays are such a big thing for me is because as a 14-15 year old girl, I didn't think I would let myself live another year. I've touched briefly on the fact that I suffered with depression and one day I'll go into that too. But today, or tonight, I want to list 18 things I've learnt these 18 years. Hopefully someone will learn something from this, and if not, then let's just hope you enjoy reading it.
  1. Follow your own road. Don't do something because everyone else is doing it, be original and don't be afraid to stand out. If I wouldn't have followed my own road I would still be deep in depression. So there's that.
  2. People say things they don't mean when they're angry, forgive them. This one has been tough. I don't think I'm fully there yet, but I'm learning and I'm trying. When I'm fully healed I'll be able to go into this more, but now I don't know how to go about it without putting people on blast.
  3. Everything is temporary. Pain is temporary, situations are temporary. All the bad stuff passes and you'll end up in a better place. And when you're in a better place happiness lasts longer and pain lasts shorter than before.
  4. Dreams are meant to be dreamed. You can be literally anything. Anything you set your mind to. You can strive to be the president or to heal the wounded or to save the poor. Take a big step towards your dreams. They're there to empower you.
  5. Sleep is important. I go to sleep before 9:30pm on schooldays. Enough said.
  6. Don't base your happiness on someone else's happiness. I think this is something most of us forget. Sure happiness is contagious, but what do you do when the person you base your happiness on is sad? It's a deep dark hole. Don't jump in there.
  7. Don't bottle up your feelings. Every time I've done that I've ended up having a mental breakdown. Find someone you can trust and talk to. Or just write a diary. Just don't keep it all inside.
  8. Some people will come and go. That doesn't mean that the time spent with them means any less, it's just means that they weren't there to stay. But some are there to stay.
  9. Love is wonderful. It's weird that I say that considering the fact that I've never had a real relationship nor have I ever had something successful with a guy. But love is truly wonderful. When loving someone else, whether it's a friend or a dog or a family member you learn something about yourself. 
  10. Any kind of artform is a way of healing. Find your way to help you heal. I believe that art, such as music, writing, painting, helped me heal. It still helps me heal. There is music for everything, and writing and painting calms me down. Find some artform that calms you down and helps you heal. And practice that art.
  11. Be childish. This is something I embrace. I embrace the fact that I can run around my friends poking and teasing them. I embrace the fact that I sleep with a stuffed monkey named Huba Buba that I got when I was 5 or 6. I embrace the fact that I still have my imagination.
  12. Embrace nature. Take walks. Breathe in the fresh air. Look up at the sky. Understand that you're part of something amazing. And take care of it.
  13. Heartbreak is a part of life. Sadly it is, but it helps us grow. I don't mean that heartbreak isn't the worst thing that happens to us, but I mean that even though it is what it is, it teaches us something. I'm truly a believer in the fact that everything makes us stronger. So I'll accept the heartbreak, take a deep breath, and slowly continue moving. 
  14. It's okay to not know what you want to do with your life. Nobody really knows what they're doing. I mean have you looked at all the adults these days? They're just winging it.
  15. There will always be idiots. I could use worse words to describe these people, but I've settled for idiots so that I won't dramatically hurt someone. Just a little hurt, nothing heart wrenching. On a serious note though, there will always be those people who don't know how to respect you or who will say stupid shit. let those idiots talk, it's the only way they're surviving.
  16. It is acceptable to cut toxic people out of your life. Out, poof, gone. No need to breathe in all the toxins from people who don't know how to treat you. You have all rights to get rid of them, because it's important that you take care of yourself and your health.
  17. Laughing is a coping mechanism. Laugh often and hard, because it heals you, it soothes your soul. And when you mess up, laugh even harder. Life is easier with a little laughter.
  18. You are so goddamn beautiful and worthy. This takes time to realise (about 18 years in fact) but I've come to the conclusion that I am beautiful and worthy. And I have a purpose. And I am here to conquer the world.
Wow that was a tough one. I hope you got something out of this, and if you didn't, here's a video I made a month or so ago:
Thank you for reading, until next time!♥

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Future Plans?

Oh Hi!

I'm not even going to come with an excuse as to why this poor blog has been left to collect dust for so long. I just didn't have inspiration.

However, now suddenly, my brain is filled with thoughts and I felt like writing it down. This is mainly because I finally got to reading Girl Online On Tour By Zoe Sugg and the theme in the book causing me to think a lot.

I'm now at that stage where whenever I see relatives or other adults, or whenever mom meets a friend or former colleague, it's asked "So, what do you want to do once you finish school?" and "what school are you going to once you finish school? University or what have you been thinking?" and "what profession do you want to have?" etc etc etc. Essentially, what they're asking is "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?!?!". To their horror I always answer "I don't know." It's like the color is drained from their face, their eyes open wide and they think "wow, this girl is going to end up nowhere, this poor girl is lost and confused". OK, I might be exaggerating a little, but you get it. They expect me to know what I want to do with the rest of my life.

In about a year my fellow peers and classmates are going to apply to schools, some applying to university to be doctors, others applying to music schools and some applying to a school, starting their journey to become multi-billionaires. But some of us, like me, won't apply at all. Instead we'll shrug and say "I'll figure it out" and search for a job to make money, and get a well-deserved break from studying.

It's weird with me, I've always known what I want, and I still know what I want. I want to make enough money to travel and see Europe, and maybe go further than that. I want to sing and dance, and I want to write and draw. I want to spend days discovering cities, and people, that I never thought I'd discover. But most of all, I want to be happy. So while I'm figuring out this tiny detail in my life, called "profession", I've still got it pretty much figured out. I know what I want, at least enough to feel somewhat content, and somehow I feel people are asking the wrong question when they ask "what profession do you want to have?". Instead, I wish they asked what I want to achieve in life, what I want to do to overcome my fears, or what I enjoy doing. That way, they wouldn't have to worry.

Yes, a profession is important. It's important to make money so you can afford food, a bed, a shower and clothes. But, I feel as if we're taught that we should get a job that makes us rich and that it doesn't matter whether our job makes us happy or not. It's just something you have to do to get by. But in my opinion, I think work should be fun. It should be something you look forward to, something that doesn't even feel like "work".

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not trying to figure out a "profession", I'm trying to figure out what makes me happy, and what I can do to be happy.

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."