Thursday, August 19, 2021

And Then, She Finished a Bachelors Degree

Hi there... Hello...

Long time no talk... At least on this platform! If you follow me on twitter or instagram you've heard plenty from me, but on this side of the internet it's been dead quiet... Sorry about that. So, I guess I should re-introduce myself. Hi, my name is Maddie, I'm twenty-three years old and I have just finished a Bachelors degree in Creative Writing. Wow. And somehow, as if I'm not absolutely exhausted by academia, I'm moving on to a Master. I am now a published poet (I know! I am as shocked as you are!) and I have spent three years living in two countries at once (basically, anyways).

I'm not going to lie, this feels really awkward. Is there anyone who will read what I have to say? Is it time I let this blog die a peaceful death and stop paying for the domain? I am too sentimental to let this blog die, I am a serial hoarder, of physical and cloud stuff. So I think I will pay for this domain til the end of time, just to keep the memories alive. But, I do want to try to make the money worth it. So if you're reading this, hi, thank you, I can't promise you I'll be here often, but this blog will be here for you and for me.

Having now survived three years of a Creative Writing degree, I should be good with words, right? I think I am, but I'm quite ashamed to say I haven't written a single piece of creative writing this summer. My brain sort of shut off and said, "Poetry? I don't know her," and I went with it. I've been trying to recharge and just cuddle my dog. Please, blog-verse, meet Jupiter;

We have a lot to catch up on, but it's best we take one thing at a time. So for now, let's talk about university - the ups, the downs, the p-word (pandemic), deadlines, and how I ultimately, somehow, am graduating with a First.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time goes by. Scientifically, I guess this can be explained by how when we age we have lived longer which means it feels as if time goes faster yadiyadiyada. Three years ago, I was packing my life into six suitcases and waiting for that day when I would be moving to another country. And today, I'm back in my childhood home for three more weeks, before I attend graduation and continue my education. When I look back at this time, it feels really strange. Because this dream I had, to move to the UK, became a reality, and sometimes, reality really sucks. I don't mean that I hate living in England, but rather that I often forget that I am living 18-year-old-Maddie's dream. I have had many pinch-me moments, but those mostly happen when I am doing something regular, mundane, like grocery shopping. I've found myself walking home from Sainsbury's, sweating, carrying too much stuff in one giant re-usable Minnie Mouse shopping bag, and just suddenly realising, "Oh wait. I am an adult. I am studying in England. I'm living in England. I get to do all this cool adult stuff. I'm speaking English all the time." It sounds stupid, but that reality is what has kept me going for three years.

It's been hard at times. Deadline season is basically just burn out waiting to happen. I've had to request extensions on (almost) every deadline. I've changed antidepressants twice. I've cried alone in student halls over boys, deadlines, girls, money, bad nights out, having to cook, wanting takeout, missing someone. The list is long, and if I kept going you would stop reading. So I won't, but you get the picture I'm trying to paint. There's been a lot of tears, frustration, heart break, money problems, lack of motivation, and so many deadlines and words written. I've experienced impostor syndrome for three years straight. Even when I got my first poem accepted for publication, I doubted myself, thinking, "I'm sure it's not actually good, they just feel like they have to take it." I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, to do the absolute best, and though it has obviously paid off, every time I handed in a deadline, I thought to myself, "well, that was shit." So, sometimes I wonder, at what cost am I graduating with a First? I am insanely proud of myself, I'm amazed, astonished, and so impressed that I managed to finish university and finish on such a high note. But it wasn't without struggling through it. (Stay tuned for the reveal of the century where Maddie figures out she has undiagnosed ADHD and that is why she's struggling so much!)

Then came the pandemic. Which, we can't really ignore. I did a year and a half of my degree online, struggling to focus on my lecturers, struggling to find motivation and inspiration, struggling through online learning curves. I spent seven weeks alone in a four-bedroom house at the start of the first lockdown, and those weeks are a blur because I choose not to remember them. I did a lot of singing, a lot of cooking and ordering food, I did one walk a day (but not everyday, because um, I was depressed), and the guy working at the Tesco express around the corner from my house was the only person I saw on a regular basis.

Living in two countries hasn't been easy since Covid-19 hit the market (I have to make jokes or else we'll all cry). Travelling is an absolute pain. So I've spent more time than I would like to admit at home in Finland. I was stuck here from November 2020 to February 2021, because of some testing complications (read: I was meant to fly back to England in January, my negative test wasn't accepted, I had to move my flight to February so that I could afford to pay for another test for that flight). I think it's safe to say that we'll all need counselling for the effects this pandemic has had on our mental health.

That's enough of that. Through it all, I've made some amazing friends. I've met some of the best lecturers on the planet (I'm biased, yes) who are so passionate about what they teach, and I've learnt a whole lot of stuff. I'm happy that I've been able to live in a country and city that truly feels like home, and I'm even happier that I have another full year of guaranteed living there. After that, the future is uncertain, but I'm hoping I will be able to continue living in England. For now, I need to attend graduation in one of those snazzy graduation robes, and I need to start my Masters degree. Though it's a new chapter, with new people, it doesn't feel like that, since I'm going back to the same University (different campus though), living in the same student halls and stressing over the same problems for another year. I'm excited to keep having realisations in the ice cream aisle at big Sainsbury's, and hopeful that I'll get to experience some on-campus teaching this year. It's been a lot, these three years, but that's okay.

Read my published poems:

Friday, February 1, 2019

How do You Pack up Your Life And Move to Another Country?

Oh hi,

Hello, hi, hey, hola. It's me again. Yes, I am doing my bi-yearly blogpost, now that it's been another half a year since I last posted anything. Oh actually, it's been 10 months. Oops. I got a bit busy moving countries, and handling change happening everywhere.

Question: how do you pack up your life and move to another country? 

Answer: with a lot of panic and uncertainty.

Would I have enough money? Is it worth all the debt I'll be in after graduating? Would I make new friends? Would I miss home? Would I feel like I belong? 

To answer past-Maddie's questions: I'm surviving, usually I end up texting my parents at the end of the month asking for money for buses or pasta.  Can't say yet if the loans are worth it. Oh yes, I have made some amazing friends. Yes, yes I miss home, but mostly my dog. But do I belong? Do I really belong? In my own little world that I've made for myself, yes. And that's really all that matters.

If you want to talk logistics, I would not recommend moving countries with six suitcases. Turns out that it's quite difficult to drag your parents, and six suitcases, around Gatwick, Reading and Bath. Oh well. Also, if you'll be living in a tiny room in student halls, you'll have stuff everywhere. But, I have enough clothes and enough stuff to make me happy. So I guess it was worth it.

Another question I should answer is why? Why did I move? Most of you reading will know that I've started University here. I'm studying Creative Writing at Bath Spa University (please, I don't want any stalkers), currently in the middle of deadlines. A thousand words here, three thousand words there. A draft over there, a finished piece of writing right here. Words, words, words. Everywhere. 
But, getting into University isn't the only reason why I moved. Because why apply to a University in another country if you don't want to move? Truth is, I had felt trapped for a long time. Trapped in a version of myself that I was forced into. Trapped in a place, in a country, I didn't want to be in. So, I had to get out. And I did. I don't feel trapped anymore, because here, in a new country with new people, I can be 100% myself. I can say what I want to say, without feeling like someone will judge me. I can do what I want to do without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. I can be myself. And I'm finally beginning to accept who I am and what I've been through. I'm turning twenty-one this year, so I think it's time that I finally live my life for me, and live my truth. And that's what I'm doing here, with new amazing friends, and in a beautiful city.

When I first started University, I went out a lot. Did some partying, did some kissing, did some more drinking, did some watching other people smoke, did some dancing, and then reality hit us all. Or, should I say, University hit us. Hard. For a while I forgot what free time was, I forgot what I enjoyed doing during my free time, and if I did have free time I spent it with my flatmates or friends. Because sitting in my room on my laptop felt like wasting time. So I stopped wasting time. And now, here I am at 11pm, writing a blogpost, wasting time. But it's good time to waste, and maybe it's not wasted.
I've got my free time back after Christmas break, trying to remember to not hate myself when I'm not doing Uni work. Sometimes succeeding, mostly feeling like a waste. It's okay. It's been worse.

So. Question: how do you pack up your life and move to another country?

Answer: With hope, knowing that I'm living for myself now.

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Saturday, April 14, 2018

I'm Still Alive (Life Update)

Oh Hi!

Long time no talk. I would love to just pretend like it hasn't been half a year since I last posted but I promised myself that my blog would be an honest space so here we are. Where have I been and why have I been gone?
If you follow me on social media you'll know that I didn't actually disappear, I just did the thing I do almost every single time I start posting blogposts regularly; I stop posting. Every time it's a different reason, either I don't have motivation or inspiration, I'm too busy or I get depressed. This time it was the latter.
Last time I posted a blogpost I shared how I was feeling like I was relapsing into depression. I was in a really shitty situation, wanting so badly to move to England but not being able to do it and therefore I felt trapped. You'd think I was used to feeling trapped as that's what I've been feeling since I was 10 years old, but alas, this was a new kind of trapped. I had actually tried to get out, but failed. And that caused me to feel absolutely horrible. On top of that almost all of my friends had started University somewhere else and I was stuck here. It was like pouring salt in the wounds.

Nothing much has changed, except circumstances, and it's once again proof to me that it does get better. In October I started looking at going to University in England and I found Bath Spa University, which offers lots of creative art courses. I was set on applying for Creative arts, where you combine two subjects, and I was planning on combining Art and Creative Writing. 
In November mom, dad and I went to England for a week and during that week we went to Bath, so that I could go to one of the open days they were having at Bath Spa Uni. I went to listen to the presentation for Creative Writing and hearing how many different types of writing you get to try while taking that course I decided that I only wanted to take Creative Writing so that I would actually get to try all the different kinds of writing (when you combine two subjects you take half of one and half of the other, therefore not getting to take everything you might want to take). So I started my application for Creative Writing, and boy was it stressful. Knowing that I'm applying alone while others are applying while they're still in school, and therefore getting help from their teachers, really put pressure on me. But if I put my mind to something I do it. I had my friends read through my personal statement multiple times, and my friend Tasha, who is from England and started Uni in September, proof-read it and sent me suggestions to make it better. God bless my friends.

Soooo you can guess where this is going. I GOT ACCEPTED. The application deadline was on the 15th of January and I sent in my application on the 13th, so truly showing how late I will submit everything. On the 15th of January I got an email from bath Spa University asking me to submit a sample of my creative writing under the headline "The Tools of The Trade". The deadline for that was on the 5th of February. So I had roughly 2 weeks to write the greatest creative writing piece I had ever written. I submitted that on the 4th of February (again, showing how late I will submit everything) and got a reply on the 5th saying that it had been forwarded to the course leader. Then it was silent for about 2 week, until the 2oth of February when I got an email asking me to send in photocopies of my matriculation examination results etc. That week was a pretty busy week for me so I sent those in on the 23rd of February (a Friday). On Monday the 26th of February I got an email telling me I got an unconditional offer from Bath Spa University. I bawled my eyes out, walked around the whole house shaking, calling mom, calling dad, texting friends, calling friends. It was a great day.

Now from the 26th of February I've been in the process of getting ready to go to University in September. I've accepted my offer, applied for student loans from England, applied for student benefit, housing benefit and student loans from Finland, applied for priority for halls of residence and been accepted for priority for halls of residence. And last week I sent in my preferences for student housing. So now I'm just sat around waiting to get the replies about the student loans (which can take awhile). Once I get those replies I'll have to wait until August to find out where I'm going to be living. So currently I'm practicing my waiting game.

I'm moving to England in September and I'm so unbelievably excited. This has been my dream since I knew England was a country. And on top of that I'm going to a University I really want to go to and I'm going to study something I actually want to do in the future. My life has taken a turn for the better.

As I wrote, this serves as a reminder to me that when I get down, I will feel better again. Life changes, circumstances change and you can make your life into your life. I always get back up.
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Saturday, October 7, 2017

Sharing the Downhill

I can feel myself slipping. Losing grip of life. I don't know how I got here again. It might just be a bump in the road, but right now it feels like I've gone back to square one. Back to that empty feeling and the silent tears.
As a person who's been depressed, and gotten better, my biggest fear is always to relapse. To somehow end up in the same place I was before. And I'm scared to admit that I might be slowly on my way there. And I don't want to, but it's hard when I don't even really understand or know where this feeling of sudden emptiness and indifference is coming from. It's a bump in the road to not be able to find an apartment in England, and it's a bump in the road to be in a vicious cycle that is called "you have to have a full time job to be able to get an apartment". It's just a bump in the road, so why am I feeling like I've gone back to square one? Stuck, once again.
I'm only seeing the 4 same people, over and over. My 3 family members, and my one friend. All other friends have gone off to university in other cities or other countries, and I didn't expect to be in this country anymore by September. But of course I'm here, and so I'm starting to feel very... Isolated. I love these 4 people, but after 13 years of seeing multiple different people 5 days a week, it's quite a change to just see 4 people, 3 of them every single day, and one of them maybe once or twice a week. It's getting horribly repetitive and I just feel so stuck.
On top of that, I'm also having very vivid dreams every single night. And in these dreams I'm hanging out with the people who caused me so much heartache. Every. single. night. The same people, different scenario. Different story being played out. And it's so tiring to go to sleep when I know I'll wake up disoriented and think "what the hell was that?". I'm aware I'm sounding insane. But I'm just being vulnerable.

I don't know what to do.

The England dream is slipping away, because every time I get in contact with an estate agency I get the same reply: I have to have a steady income to be able to rent through them, or I have to be able to pay 6 months' rent upfront, which I can't do because I don't have that much money. To get a steady income (aka a job) I have to be able to go to job interviews, and I can't fly back and forth to England all the time. And nobody wants to hire somebody who doesn't know when they'll be back in the country. So that means to get a job I have to live in England. But I can't live in England when I don't have a job. Humans really know how to put other, younger, humans in vicious cycles.

The thing is, I want to get out of here. And right now, every extra month I have to live here is torture. It might just be a month, or two, until I manage to move, but it feels like forever. Because I've wanted to get out of here since I was 13 years old. But here I am, 6 years later, feeling just as trapped as then, but in a completely different circumstance.

I wish the dreams would stop. I'm getting tired of being visited by demons every night. I'm not necessarily having nightmares, it's more just tiring dreams about things that happened, or didn't happen, and my brain trying to process them. I thought I had left these demons behind, at least a little bit, but they seem to keep wanting to pop up in my brain. So now I'm dreaming about them during the night, and because I dream about them, I then think about them during the day. And that's another vicious cycle, but that one I seem to have created myself.

Right now, I just want to leave everything and go. Go travel a little. Go figure out what I want to do with my life. But I can't, because all the money I have I need for England. Because of Brexit I really have to get into the country before March 2019, otherwise I would just put the England dream on hold and go travel for a while. But because of Brexit I can't, and I have to get into the country.

The worst thing about slipping, and relapsing (somewhat), is that I have absolutely no motivation to get better again. I don't want to talk to my parents, because I don't want them worrying about me (they worry anyways). And since my 3 year of free therapy ended, I don't have my therapist either. I'm still on anti-depressants, but they're not doing a lot for me right now, and the last thing I want is to up my dosage. So, it seems I'm on my own. At least for now.

I would love to write about how happy my life is, but since I shared my uphill, I thought I should share my downhill. Because life isn't picture-perfect, and sometimes you end up going down a really steep hill. And here comes the feeling of failure.

"I have my fair share of demons,
all come with different sets of
You'd think I might've seen
someone get killed.


I just saw heartbreak
and disgusting words
being thrown around
like nothing.

So in my head they live,
these demons
with their nightmares.

I just hope their counterparts
have nightmares too."

I leave you with that poem I wrote a few days ago.
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I want to state that I wrote this blogpost on a Saturday evening when I was feeling especially crappy. Mental health goes up and down, and I don't think mine will ever be on a constant high or constantly on a line. I think it's almost what I've come to expect. But I wanted to share this because it's real and I want my blog to be real and honest. And this is real and honest.
However I don't want anyone to worry about me, it's just, as I write, a bump in the road.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Goals For The End of The Year

Oh hi!

This year is slowly coming to an end, and with only 3 months left of the year I decided it was time to reflect and to set up some goals that are within reach for the end of the year. Since most of these goals actually have to do with my online presence, I thought I would share them with you, and maybe you will want to set up your own goals for these last 3 months of 2017.
Now this is something I'm not 100% sure is in reach, but I will do my absolute best to get an apartment and move to England in November. I really hope it works out.

For 2017, one of my new year's resolutions was to read 15 books. It might not be a lot, but I haven't been reading a lot the past few years so I decided if I actually managed to read 15 books this year I would maybe get into reading books again. Well, I've read 9 books so far, so that leaves 2 a month now for the end of the year. And that's doable.

I've been stuck around the 1,080 mark for about 2 years. I hit 1,000 followers and then it just kind of stopped. So, before the end of the year I want to gain around 20 followers. While I can honestly say that I don't really care about followers, I will be honest and say that it's been annoying to be stuck on the same number for so long and since I want to grow my blog and my youtube, it's hard if I'm stuck on the same number on other social medias, because to grow your blog you have to grow your following (most of the time).
I'd love it if you hopped over to and click that "follow" button. And if you tweet me, I will of course follow back! And maybe we can be friends, who knows?

Similarly to Twitter, I've been stuck on the same number of followers for so long. I have 217 followers, and I've been around that follower count for about a year. So it would be nice if you went over to and clicked that "follow" button, and I will make sure to follow you back! It can be your early Christmas gift to me. Also, I'm going to start posting a lot more on there, so stay tuned for that!
Now I'll be the first to admit that I've been absolutely horrible at blogging the last few years. I've posted inconsistently and I don't want it that way anymore. While I'm not yet setting up a schedule and deciding to post on a certain day, I want to make sure that I post at least once a week. And once I manage to post once a week, I can then make a schedule for myself. But I know myself too well to say "I'll post every Wednesday and Saturday", because I know I'll fail if I do that. So, I'm keeping it casual, but willing myself to post at least once a week.
I've also ordered a DSLR camera and with that I hope to get better pictures for my blog (and Instagram).
If I've been horrible at blogging, my Youtube channel has suffered even more. I want to start filming more for my Youtube channel and I want to find a love for doing it again. And with a new camera (and a tripod!!) on their way to my house as we speak, the quality will also be a lot better. And I can finally start filming things my current camera hasn't allowed me to film. So, stay tuned for that!

I want to part-take in bloggers chats, BUT I JUST FORGET THAT THEY'RE HAPPENING. I need to make some kind of list of all the bloggers chats, and put it up right in front of my laptop so I see it at all times, then maybe I'll remember. So, if you know of a bloggers chat, tweet me at what time it happens so I can join in!

I think when the colder months come, many of us just give up on staying active, because we don't need a "bikini body" during the colder months (also, Christmas chocolate!!). But I don't want to do that this year. I want to stay active and at least go for walks, if nothing else. I want to get back into a workout routine, because recently I've really been slacking off. So I want to be active, and stay active.
Sidenote: does any other glasses-wearers find it super difficult to work out? Say you decide to go for a run, if you don't wear your glasses you don't see a lot, but if you do wear your glasses they fog up. SEND HELP. (Yes, I know contact lenses exist and I use them every now and again.)

That's it, that's my goals for the end of the year! Will I manage to reach all goals? Probably not, but they're guidelines for what I want.
Do you have any goals for the end of the year, or are you waiting until New Year to set yourself some new goals?♥

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Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Forever 21 & ASOS Try-On Haul | ItsMaddiehbu

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Things Never Go As Planned

Oh Hi!

Things don't always go how you've planned them. In my life I seem to have a lot of those things, those things that don't go as planned.
I would've loved to come on here and write "SUCCESS, I GOT THE JOB AND I GOT THE APARTMENT" and I would've loved to live in a fairytale where everything goes according to plan. But, this is my life, and a real life, so of course that did not happen. Instead I came out of the job interview confused and a little disheartened, and didn't know how to continue.
The interview went great, the woman who interviewed me seemed to love me and want me to work there, but to get a job there you have to do a trial-shift, something I wasn't aware you had to do. I also overheard a conversation between one of the employees and a manager, and there seemed to be some drama going on. So I came out of the job interview, with no job and a feeling like I didn't really want that job.
I still viewed apartments the next day, and the first two apartments were, quite frankly, disasters. Dirty, or in bad places or just all around a no-no. So I really had to just place my faith in the 3rd and final apartment. Well, I kind of fell in love. It had this beautiful window, and this nice kitchen and bathroom and it was quite spacious (not like a house spacious, but spacious for a tiny apartment in a house). So I decided that even though I didn't have a job I'd make an offer. But this week I found out that I didn't get the apartment. Soooooooo.

So much for having plans and dreams huh?

We were supposed to fly to London on the 11th of September, but with no apartment that's not really happening. We just moved the flight to the 5th of November, so I'm still stuck here in this country for a few more months. But at least I'll be moving to England before Christmas, and that was the goal. I'm just sad it didn't work out like I thought it would've worked out.

So what's the plan now?

I don't really know. I have to find an apartment that looks nice and just make an offer on it without viewing. I'm going to maybe look to jump in as a substitute in schools while I wait for November to come. I don't know. I have to figure something out. Then once I move to England I'll go to every store and ask for a job.

I don't know.

To be honest, this has really gotten me down. I was so excited to pack up my life, and there wasn't an inch of me that wanted to stay here. I was ready to leave, and I'm ready to leave, and now I'm not leaving until the 5th of November. I know it's just 2 months, but until a few days ago I thought I was moving in less than 2 weeks. I almost started packing my things but then I thought "what if I don't get the apartment?" so luckily I didn't (or else it'd be a sad process unpacking).
I don't really know what else to say. Things didn't go as planned and it's getting me down. But I'll get up. I always get up, I know that. Just right now, all I really want to do is book a trip to somewhere and just go to get a breath of fresh air and to come back with a new happiness and with new inspiration. But I can't, because all the money I have I need for when I move. So once again, I'm stuck.
(You don't know this but I took a half hour break from writing this blogpost and just looked at the cheapest flights to different countries and now a trip to one of these countries is really tempting me).

What's your advice? What should I do? And how can I make the time go faster?
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Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Saturday, August 19, 2017

A Short Life Update

Oh hi!

It's an exciting day today for me and I thought I would write about what is happening to keep anyone who reads my blog in the loop. Today I'm off to Helsinki with my dad, and tomorrow we're flying to England!
The flight to Gatwick leaves early in the morning, so to not have to take the night train to the airport we've got a hotel room in Helsinki that we'll be staying at. Tomorrow we have a pretty chill day as we get to England quite early (at about 10am) so we can just wander around and do whatever.
On Monday I have a job interview at a restaurant at 4pm. I am so extremely nervous. I've never had a job interview so I don't really know what to expect, but I've done my best preparing for it by researching and reading some tips on how to do well in a job interview. I really really hope I get this job.
On Tuesday we're viewing 4 apartments, and I'm hoping that one of them is suitable for me. If I find an apartment and get the job I'll be moving to England in September! Exciting times!
Aaaand on Wednesday we get back home. So that's what's happening in my life!
I really want this job. It's nothing fancy but I need a job so that I can move to England. So if you could all just cross your fingers for me to get this job, that'd be amazing!

This is probably the shortest blogpost I've ever written, but I just wanted to do a quick update to keep everyone in the loop!
If you want to see pictures and get in-time updates from me, make sure you add me on snapchat: itsmaddiehbu I do random rambles on there and just chat about what's going on!

Have you ever had a job interview? If so, do you have any tips for me?
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Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Saturday, August 12, 2017

A Pointless Blogpost? - Saturday Ramble

Oh Hi,

here I am sat at 11:13pm on a Friday evening with thoughts running through my head and I remember that I now run a blog that is for those thoughts. So strap in, let's go on a journey through my brain and see where we end up (because I don't know either).
I don't think I quite realised how hard it is to find an apartment in the outskirts of London. When I've looked at apartments online I've found lots and lots that I like, but once I've actually contacted the estate agent I've always got the same reply: "this apartment has already been let." Oh okay. And so my search has continued until now, where today I booked in viewings for 4 apartments for when I'm going to England in a week. Let's just hope one of the apartments meet my criteria and is affordable enough and is actually available so that I can get it. Everyone cross your fingers, hands, legs, toes, hair, everything.
I've also booked in the job interview and I've started prepping for that. Fun fact, it will be my first ever job interview so I don't want to show up unprepared and not knowing what to expect. Google has been my best friend when preparing for it, and I'm sure it'll be just fine. As long as I remember to breathe.

I've been really wanting to start pack all my things, but there's no use in doing that before I even know if I have an apartment or a job. However, I've been staring at all of my crap, wondering how the hell am I going to bring all of this stuff to England in 3 massive suitcases? The suitcases are massive, but they will not fit all of my stuff. I'm quite intrigued to actually find out how many boxes my parents will have to send me once I've moved.
It's crazy to think that in one month (one month exactly today, 11th of August) I might be moving to England but it's still not fully happening or sinking in as I don't have an apartment or a job. If I don't find an apartment that I can move in to on the 11th of September or during that week starting 11th September then I'll just be taking a short trip there. How fun.
I really really really really hope everything will fall into place. I'm so ready to pack up my life and move to another country, and as I've said before, there is not one part of me that is unsure or scared. I'm just excited and I hope it will all work out. Again, cross your fingers etc.

What else?...

This week we visited my grandparents from mom's side who live about 200 km away from us. We stayed at their summer cottage from Monday to Thursday (well I actually slept Wednesday night at my grandparents' apartment because mom snores so loudly I didn't sleep very well the other nights). Out at their summer cottage the service is absolutely terrible, and I realised how much I take good phone service for granted. I couldn't check Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat or Youtube and I couldn't even listen to music if I hadn't downloaded it from Apple Music. If I texted somebody it took 2 minutes for that text to deliver. It drove me insane, which is quite worrying because that might indicate that I'm completely addicted to everything on my phone.
I would like to say that it made me detox and take a break from social media and to just enjoy nature, but that would be a complete and total lie. I jacked my mom's service because she (and my brother and dad) has 4G while I have 3G, so she had good service. I used her 4G to download all the songs I wanted to download and I also used her 4G whenever I got a Snapchat or wanted to check Twitter or Instagram. I'm completely useless and lost without my phone.
I can't really say that's something I feel like I want to change though. When I'm going on about my day to day life I don't check my phone every minute. I rarely scroll through Instagram because of their crappy algorithm. I check Twitter, Instagram, texts and Snapchats in the morning, and then I go about my day. I don't need to have my phone with me all the time, and I can be without my phone just fine. I'm aware I'm starting to sound like a person who's addicted to smoking trying to convince themselves and others that they're not addicted to smoking.
But really though, I can leave my phone untouched for hours and not feel like a piece of me is missing. But when I'm forced to not check my phone BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO CHECK BECAUSE NOTHING WILL LOAD, that's when it becomes hard. Because when you don't have something you're aware that you don't have it and you want it. When you have it, you don't really care or even think about it that much. But when it's taken from you, you suddenly feel empty. Yes, I felt like a part of me was missing because I couldn't check Twitter or send a Snap.
There was also really nothing to do. Luckily I brought my favourite book, "The Humans" by Matt Haig, so I read that. If I hadn't brought that I would've honestly gone insane.

Whenever I sit down to write a ramble blogpost I'm always blown away by how much crap I can write in one blogpost. It's daunting staring at the empty page telling me to write something, but then once I start writing it's like I could never stop. It's very weird.
This might be a completely pointless blogpost but I'm telling myself that every time I write I practice. So it's okay if it's a jumbled mess and nothing makes sense. It's okay if I've just rambled. At least I'm writing something.

Tell me, do you feel like you're addicted to that thing in your pocket (your phone I mean)? Or do you think you'd be fine if you didn't have a phone?

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Saturday, July 29, 2017

The Vicious Circle of Procrastination - Saturday Ramble

Oh Hi,

There's becoming a reoccurring theme on this blog: me sitting down and just writing my heart out. But I quite like it like that, so we'll keep it going. I think this is something I'm going to start doing, a Saturday ramble. It might not be written on a Saturday, but it will always be posted on a Saturday. Unless I fail because I'm bad at commitments, but oh at least I tried.
This week I got new glasses and I'm actually obsessed with them. They're Tommy Hilfiger so I was super hyped and I was also hyped because I would finally be able to see better and not have constant headaches.

Other than getting new glasses, I haven't really done a lot this week. And that's what I want to write about today, not doing anything.
I sometimes find myself with this deep urge to do SOMETHING, my creative personality is screaming out at me, telling me I shouldn't be sat at the computer all day, I WANT TO DO STUFF. This has been one of those weeks.
I'm usually okay with just being at home, staring at my laptop screen 12 hours a day and then sleeping the other 12 hours, just to do the same thing again the next day. But one day this week I felt so restless, so bored like I needed to do something, ANYTHING. The funny youtube videos and heartfelt vlogs weren't cutting it for me and I wanted to do something. 
That feeling to want to do something, anything, has passed. Not quite, but mostly. At the beginning of the week the feeling was "get me out of the house and let's DO SOMETHING", now the feeling has changed to "Maddie do something with your life, be creative". What's so weird and what drives me insane is that I have this feeling of wanting to do all this stuff, like writing or painting or drawing, and I love doing all that, but I don't get to actually doing it. I procrastinate even if it's something I want to do. I feel so trapped, wanting to do all these things but finding myself procrastinating and doing things I do every. single. day.
It's quite a vicious circle, wanting to do something but then procrastinating and a few days later not wanting to do it anymore so I keep procrastinating until I get the feeling that I want to do it again and the cycle starts again. And I'm stuck in this circle, trying to get out of it but not really because I'm PROCRASTINATING. I sometimes manage to get out of it, to write a little (like how I'm writing this blogpost), draw, paint, sing or something like that, and then I'm back in the circle again, going round and round, not ever really getting out.
Procrastinating is such a first world problem as well. We're the people who might have the luxury to get away with procrastination, but really we don't. It bites us in the ass when we hand in an assignment late, or we just. don't. get. anything. done. We're useless sometimes, aren't we?
What's also horrible with procrastination is that I find myself thinking "when I've moved to London I'll really put time and effort into this" "when I have inspiration to do that I'll do that" "once I've done this I'll do that". Why can't I just start now? How come I can't start writing that book now, painting that painting now? How come I always think "I'll do it when I'm in that situation" because there's really no time like the present. Why can't I just get on with it and DO IT? I want to do all of these things, and still I push them forward into the future. Who knows how busy I'll be once I've moved to London, so why am I not doing that thing right now while I have summer break? I really need to get a grip.
I want to get to a point where if I want to do something, I just do it. It shouldn't be this hard. I just have to do it.
But I don't manage to do it.

What a vicious circle to be stuck in.

During Monday and Tuesday I helped my friend clean out her closet, on Wednesday I got my new glasses, on Thursday I visited two friends who live about 45 minutes away from me, Friday (today for me) I had the third stage of getting my drivers license (the first stage is having the actual test and getting the license, second is group driving and third is driving on slippery surface to make sure we all still remember that, so now I fully have my drivers license, what joy) and my friend Anna visited me, Saturday I'm going to hers and her husband's to help them pack for when they're moving and on Sunday I'm probably going to sleep. So I lied, I've done a lot. But my brain is still screaming at me, because me doing all those things was probably procrastination from doing all the other things I want to do. But I did do things I want to do, just not things my brain is telling me to do.

Tell me, are you also stuck in this circle? Are we circling together in this frustrating hell? Or are you good at doing things you want to do? If so, give me some tips, I really need them.

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu