Friday, May 26, 2017

The emptiness that fills you

Do you ever feel like you want to do a hundred things at once, and nothing at all? Do you ever stare at a blank page for ages, trying to will the words to just appear? Do you ever want to move across the world to another country and just start over?
I do.
I can hear the wind and the tumbleweed on my blog, it's really been that long. I've often opened blogger, staring at that little orange icon. Staring at the empty page. I'm supposed to write. I'm supposed to keep this blog going. And still, here it's been lying collecting dust.
I don't know if this will ever be published, I might just write nonsense and never post it. Or I might create a masterpiece and it'll go viral. Or it'll be mediocre and one other person will read it. But at least I'm writing. At least I'm letting these thoughts out.
Truth is, I've done a lot. I write almost every day. But for future projects, for big dreams, for bigger brighter days. And it always feels like all my plans are for the future, none are for right here, right now because I don't have an audience. I don't have readers. I don't have listeners. And I speak to an empty void that fills me completely whenever I've opened blogger or whenever I have an idea for a youtube video. Why do I create when there's no recognition?
I think if I didn't create, if I didn't write almost daily I'd go insane. You see, my mind travels at a hundred miles per second and my mind is never silent. Sometimes I manage to grasp a thought and put it on paper, other times it's a whirlwind and I can't seem to do anything. It's almost as if I'm too creative, and it ends up with me not doing anything, not creating anything. I have a million ideas and I write them down but I can never seem to start because if I start I'll start hating it and I'll stop or I'll start and I won't find it good and I'll stop or I'll start and I have another idea and I just leave it to collect dust. And all my ideas and creations just seem to be doing that, collecting dust. 
I'm graduating in a week. A lot of my friends have applied for schools and have plans and greatness ahead of them. I haven't. I'm in the mood to study, all I want to do is get away and start fresh. I seem to have to do that every three years. I get the strongest urge to just leave, and now that I'm graduating and I'm done with school I could leave. I could move to London like I want to. But still I'm sitting here in my bedroom at 12am writing a blogpost when I should be asleep so that I'm rested for next week when I'll have to clean and prepare for graduation. But maybe me writing this blogpost is a conscious effort to get closer to London, because the plans I have for my future all include social media and creative work. I'll tell myself this blogpost is for the good, so then I won't feel bad about it.
I don't know why, but while I'm writing this I feel very suffocated. I don't know why. Maybe it's just how I am, how my thought again are travelling so fast I can't seem to get a hold of any of them. And still I try to write.
How does one stay sane? How does one get the courage and motivation to do what one has always wanted to do? How does one not quit everything?


My whole life seems to be a big "I don't know" right now. On my graduation party distant relatives and close relatives and parents' friends will ask "so what are you going to do now?" and I'm going to have to say "I don't know" because explaining to every person ever that I want to move to London and pursue a creative career makes me sound insane to the people who aren't born in the 1980's or later. Also, I'm scared that if I tell people I want to live in London and for some reason never end up living there I'll look stupid. And still I'm writing this in a blogpost that the whole world can read. But the world isn't as scary as the people you actually know.

Now for a brief interlude of "what the fuck is going on in the world and how do we all stay sane?"

Manchester. It hit me harder than other terrorist attacks have done. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've been at concerts and know that they're supposed to be fun and enjoyable or if it's because kids died or if it's because it was in the UK or if it's because I was about to start my period. Either way I've spent this whole week feeling weird and feeling like nothing will ever be the same. And the truth is it never will. For the victims and the families it will never be the same. For the people who were there, who worked there, who were near the arena it will never be the same. And for us in other countries it will never be the same. But we will all try not to let this get to us, we will all try not to let fear take over and we promise to ourselves and to others that we will go to concerts because if we don't the scumbags will win. We will not let fear take over, and we will not let hatred win.
The scumbags have been up to a lot this week too. They seem to have taken over a city in the Philippines called Marawi. There's been bombings in Syria (which the media has been very bad at reporting on and I couldn't actually find out anything about that when doing a quick google search).
Aaaaaanndddd then we have the politics aspect of this interlude. What the hell is going on in the US and how do we not cry every time we read a headline about it? Trump's administration is going insane and Trump's going against everything he's ever talked about. But that's no surprise. What is a surprise is that some people seem to be okay with this?
And can I please beg every citizen ever in the UK to go vote on June 8th. You can no longer register to vote so I hope you've all done that and aren't just thinking you're going to sit this one out. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO VOTE AND YOU SHOULD VOTE EVEN IF YOU THINK ALL PARTIES SUCK. VOTE FOR THE PARTY YOU THINK WON'T RUIN YOUR COUNTRY. AND PLEASE DON'T DO WHAT THE US DID PLEASE LEARN FROM THEM. PLEASE INSTEAD LOOK AT WHAT FRANCE DID AND FOLLOW THAT. Thank you. Sorry for shouting.

And back to my life and my brain.

It's now 12:30am. I promised myself I'd go to sleep at 12am. I promised myself I'll wake up at 10am tomorrow. Now it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Oh well, at least I'm writing a blogpost.
Actually, for school I did an art project that I'm very proud of. Because you can't take matriculation examination in art you can instead do a project around an assignment and then you get graded in that and get a diploma that you can show if you apply for a school. So I did mine around how the female body is portrayed in media. Naturally I'd do something like that. When I started again, I didn't think I'd finish it and I kind of changed route while doing it. But I finished it and I'm so proud of it. I'll know my grade when I graduate.

If you want to watch it, this is it. You might want to watch it on youtube though because it's so tiny on here.

Maybe I'm done rambling for now. Maybe. Maybe not. I'll just post this now and regret it in the morning. Or instantly. But at least I'm writing. At least I'm thinking and at least I'm here, trying.

Thank you for reading this mess, let me know how you're feeling after this week and how you feel about anything I brought up♥