Saturday, October 7, 2017

Sharing the Downhill

I can feel myself slipping. Losing grip of life. I don't know how I got here again. It might just be a bump in the road, but right now it feels like I've gone back to square one. Back to that empty feeling and the silent tears.
As a person who's been depressed, and gotten better, my biggest fear is always to relapse. To somehow end up in the same place I was before. And I'm scared to admit that I might be slowly on my way there. And I don't want to, but it's hard when I don't even really understand or know where this feeling of sudden emptiness and indifference is coming from. It's a bump in the road to not be able to find an apartment in England, and it's a bump in the road to be in a vicious cycle that is called "you have to have a full time job to be able to get an apartment". It's just a bump in the road, so why am I feeling like I've gone back to square one? Stuck, once again.
I'm only seeing the 4 same people, over and over. My 3 family members, and my one friend. All other friends have gone off to university in other cities or other countries, and I didn't expect to be in this country anymore by September. But of course I'm here, and so I'm starting to feel very... Isolated. I love these 4 people, but after 13 years of seeing multiple different people 5 days a week, it's quite a change to just see 4 people, 3 of them every single day, and one of them maybe once or twice a week. It's getting horribly repetitive and I just feel so stuck.
On top of that, I'm also having very vivid dreams every single night. And in these dreams I'm hanging out with the people who caused me so much heartache. Every. single. night. The same people, different scenario. Different story being played out. And it's so tiring to go to sleep when I know I'll wake up disoriented and think "what the hell was that?". I'm aware I'm sounding insane. But I'm just being vulnerable.

I don't know what to do.

The England dream is slipping away, because every time I get in contact with an estate agency I get the same reply: I have to have a steady income to be able to rent through them, or I have to be able to pay 6 months' rent upfront, which I can't do because I don't have that much money. To get a steady income (aka a job) I have to be able to go to job interviews, and I can't fly back and forth to England all the time. And nobody wants to hire somebody who doesn't know when they'll be back in the country. So that means to get a job I have to live in England. But I can't live in England when I don't have a job. Humans really know how to put other, younger, humans in vicious cycles.

The thing is, I want to get out of here. And right now, every extra month I have to live here is torture. It might just be a month, or two, until I manage to move, but it feels like forever. Because I've wanted to get out of here since I was 13 years old. But here I am, 6 years later, feeling just as trapped as then, but in a completely different circumstance.

I wish the dreams would stop. I'm getting tired of being visited by demons every night. I'm not necessarily having nightmares, it's more just tiring dreams about things that happened, or didn't happen, and my brain trying to process them. I thought I had left these demons behind, at least a little bit, but they seem to keep wanting to pop up in my brain. So now I'm dreaming about them during the night, and because I dream about them, I then think about them during the day. And that's another vicious cycle, but that one I seem to have created myself.

Right now, I just want to leave everything and go. Go travel a little. Go figure out what I want to do with my life. But I can't, because all the money I have I need for England. Because of Brexit I really have to get into the country before March 2019, otherwise I would just put the England dream on hold and go travel for a while. But because of Brexit I can't, and I have to get into the country.

The worst thing about slipping, and relapsing (somewhat), is that I have absolutely no motivation to get better again. I don't want to talk to my parents, because I don't want them worrying about me (they worry anyways). And since my 3 year of free therapy ended, I don't have my therapist either. I'm still on anti-depressants, but they're not doing a lot for me right now, and the last thing I want is to up my dosage. So, it seems I'm on my own. At least for now.

I would love to write about how happy my life is, but since I shared my uphill, I thought I should share my downhill. Because life isn't picture-perfect, and sometimes you end up going down a really steep hill. And here comes the feeling of failure.

"I have my fair share of demons,
all come with different sets of
You'd think I might've seen
someone get killed.


I just saw heartbreak
and disgusting words
being thrown around
like nothing.

So in my head they live,
these demons
with their nightmares.

I just hope their counterparts
have nightmares too."

I leave you with that poem I wrote a few days ago.
Youtube | Twitter | Instagram | Snapchat: itsmaddiehbu

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Forever 21 & ASOS Try-On Haul | ItsMaddiehbu

I want to state that I wrote this blogpost on a Saturday evening when I was feeling especially crappy. Mental health goes up and down, and I don't think mine will ever be on a constant high or constantly on a line. I think it's almost what I've come to expect. But I wanted to share this because it's real and I want my blog to be real and honest. And this is real and honest.
However I don't want anyone to worry about me, it's just, as I write, a bump in the road.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

New Camera, Who dis?

Oh Hi!

As I mentioned in my last blogpost, I had ordered my first DSLR camera and was waiting for it to arrive. Well guess what? It arrived!
The impatience I felt, as I charged up the battery was a whole new thing. I don't think I've ever been that impatient before. But while the battery charged I attempted to read the manual and I got about half way through it, before I decided that it was enough for one time. One day I will finish it though. However, I wanted to learn about the key features because I don't want to be one of those people who buys a 500€ camera and then only shoots using auto-mode, because in my opinion that's some serious waste of money.

I looked at many different cameras, mostly Canon and Nikon, before deciding on the Nikon D5300. I have to be honest and say that the reason I bought it was because of the reasonable price and the flip-screen. Many DSLR cameras that have a flip screen seemed to be too expensive, but this one was reasonably priced at 495,90€ for the body and the AF-P 18-55mm VR lens on DigitalRev. I originally ordered the Nikon D5300 with 18-55mm VR lens but there was some problem locating it so they asked me if I wanted to upgrade to the other lens without extra cost, and of course I said yes. Honestly, I don't know the difference between those lenses, but oh well.

So far, I'm really enjoying the camera. It's smaller than I thought it would be, but that's certainly not a negative thing. Because of the size of it it's easy to hold and I can imagine that it's going to be a lot easier to carry around for a longer period of time than if it would've been bigger. 
What I also enjoy about the camera is the Wi-Fi. I read a lot of reviews saying the Wi-Fi isn't very good, but I have nothing to compare it to. I like the fact that I could just download an app and then connect my phone to the camera, and voila I get all the pictures I take with my camera to my phone. I also like the fact that I can place my camera on a tripod or something, and then use the app to take pictures with the camera. And I can also use a timer so I press the button to take a picture and it waits a few seconds before taking the picture. That way if I have no one photographing me, I don't have to run to the camera back and forth, and can instead use my phone to take the photos. Also spares me having to buy a remote control for the camera.

One thing I don't like about the whole Wi-Fi thing is the fact that every time you shut of your camera the connection gets dropped. So every time you turn on the camera, if you want the Wi-Fi you have to turn it on and then connect your phone. And because I'm extremely lazy I don't like that I have to do that. But I guess it's something I'm going to have to live with.

Now I'll leave you with some test-shots I took yesterday, after the battery had been fully charged. I'd like to note that these pictures haven't been edited in any way, I've just resized them and added my logo. All photos were taken using the manual setting.

What do you think? Do you think I wasted a lot of money buying a DSLR camera or do you think it's a smart purchase? Do you own a DSLR camera? Let me know♥
Youtube | Twitter | Instagram | Snapchat: itsmaddiehbu

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Forever 21 & ASOS Try-On Haul | ItsMaddiehbu

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Goals For The End of The Year

Oh hi!

This year is slowly coming to an end, and with only 3 months left of the year I decided it was time to reflect and to set up some goals that are within reach for the end of the year. Since most of these goals actually have to do with my online presence, I thought I would share them with you, and maybe you will want to set up your own goals for these last 3 months of 2017.
Now this is something I'm not 100% sure is in reach, but I will do my absolute best to get an apartment and move to England in November. I really hope it works out.

For 2017, one of my new year's resolutions was to read 15 books. It might not be a lot, but I haven't been reading a lot the past few years so I decided if I actually managed to read 15 books this year I would maybe get into reading books again. Well, I've read 9 books so far, so that leaves 2 a month now for the end of the year. And that's doable.

I've been stuck around the 1,080 mark for about 2 years. I hit 1,000 followers and then it just kind of stopped. So, before the end of the year I want to gain around 20 followers. While I can honestly say that I don't really care about followers, I will be honest and say that it's been annoying to be stuck on the same number for so long and since I want to grow my blog and my youtube, it's hard if I'm stuck on the same number on other social medias, because to grow your blog you have to grow your following (most of the time).
I'd love it if you hopped over to and click that "follow" button. And if you tweet me, I will of course follow back! And maybe we can be friends, who knows?

Similarly to Twitter, I've been stuck on the same number of followers for so long. I have 217 followers, and I've been around that follower count for about a year. So it would be nice if you went over to and clicked that "follow" button, and I will make sure to follow you back! It can be your early Christmas gift to me. Also, I'm going to start posting a lot more on there, so stay tuned for that!
Now I'll be the first to admit that I've been absolutely horrible at blogging the last few years. I've posted inconsistently and I don't want it that way anymore. While I'm not yet setting up a schedule and deciding to post on a certain day, I want to make sure that I post at least once a week. And once I manage to post once a week, I can then make a schedule for myself. But I know myself too well to say "I'll post every Wednesday and Saturday", because I know I'll fail if I do that. So, I'm keeping it casual, but willing myself to post at least once a week.
I've also ordered a DSLR camera and with that I hope to get better pictures for my blog (and Instagram).
If I've been horrible at blogging, my Youtube channel has suffered even more. I want to start filming more for my Youtube channel and I want to find a love for doing it again. And with a new camera (and a tripod!!) on their way to my house as we speak, the quality will also be a lot better. And I can finally start filming things my current camera hasn't allowed me to film. So, stay tuned for that!

I want to part-take in bloggers chats, BUT I JUST FORGET THAT THEY'RE HAPPENING. I need to make some kind of list of all the bloggers chats, and put it up right in front of my laptop so I see it at all times, then maybe I'll remember. So, if you know of a bloggers chat, tweet me at what time it happens so I can join in!

I think when the colder months come, many of us just give up on staying active, because we don't need a "bikini body" during the colder months (also, Christmas chocolate!!). But I don't want to do that this year. I want to stay active and at least go for walks, if nothing else. I want to get back into a workout routine, because recently I've really been slacking off. So I want to be active, and stay active.
Sidenote: does any other glasses-wearers find it super difficult to work out? Say you decide to go for a run, if you don't wear your glasses you don't see a lot, but if you do wear your glasses they fog up. SEND HELP. (Yes, I know contact lenses exist and I use them every now and again.)

That's it, that's my goals for the end of the year! Will I manage to reach all goals? Probably not, but they're guidelines for what I want.
Do you have any goals for the end of the year, or are you waiting until New Year to set yourself some new goals?♥

Youtube | Twitter | Instagram | Snapchat: itsmaddiehbu

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Forever 21 & ASOS Try-On Haul | ItsMaddiehbu

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Forever 21 & ASOS Try-On Haul + Links To Everything | ItsMaddiehbu

Oh hi!

I've recently not been feeling too happy, so I've done a lot of retail therapy to try and feel better. In Today's video I share everything I bought from Forever 21 and ASOS, and I try everything on.
In the end I actually didn't end up keeping a lot of the things I bought from ASOS, mainly because literally none of the trousers and only one pair of the jeans fit me. So I've only decided to keep the Levi's denim jacket, the black and pink jumper and the light-washed jeans that fit me. Since I also really loved the Noisy May jacket I've now ordered it in a size S and I'm hoping that will look a lot better. I've kept everything from Forever 21 except the jacket in size M as I kept size L.
Hope you enjoy this massive haul, and scroll down for links to everything!

Clothes Mentioned:

Forever 21:

Mock Neck bodysuit 6,99€ size M

Off-the-shoulder bodysuit 11€ size M

Caged Cutout bralette 7€ size M/L

Turtleneck top 11€ (I paid 6,99€) size M

Polar bear Christmas Jumper 11€ size L

Fair isle patterned leggings 7,48€ size M

Classic double-breasted coat 5,99€ M&L: SOLD OUT


ASOS Jumper with woven sleeves 13,51€ (I paid 16,89€) size UK 12

ASOS TALL Jumper With Volume Sleeve 18,92€ size UK 12

ASOS Jumper In Rib With D-Ring Stripe Sleeve Detail 20,27€ size UK 14

Club L Ribbed High Neck Long Sleeve Polo Dress 9,47€ size UK 14: SOLD OUT

Missguided Petite Embroidered A Line Denim Skirt 23,65€ size UK 12

ASOS FARLEIGH High Waist Slim Mom Jeans In Beech Light Stonewash with Busted Knees and Chewed Hems 23,65€ size W30L32

ASOS Denim Deconstructed Straight Leg Jeans in Black 30,40€ size W30L32

ASOS RIDLEY Skinny Jeans In Hibiscus Light Stonewash 18,92 size W30L32

Warehouse Ultra Skinny Jeans 23,65€ size UK 12 L32

Only Pearl High Waist Skinny Jeans 29,73€ size W30L34

Noisy May Lex Cargo Jacket with Patches 47,30€ (I paid 67,57€) size M

Levi's Authentic Embroidered Trucker with Sherpa Collar and Lining 175,67€ size M

ASOS The Slim Tailored Cigarette Trousers With Belt 33,78€ (I paid 23,65€) size UK 12 L34

ASOS Ankle Grazer Cigarette Trousers in Crepe 14,86€ (I paid 26,35€) size UK 12 L32

JDY Dolly Tie Waist Trousers 24,32€ size L

ASOS Satin Peg Trousers with Split Hem and Belt 14,86€ size UK 12

ASOS Trousers in Skinny Fit with Seam Detail 13,51€ (I paid 16,89€) size UK 12

Youtube | Twitter | Instagram | Snapchat: itsmaddiehbu

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

New Hair (And I Actually Do Care)

Oh Hi!

As you can tell, I have new hair! And I'm so extremely happy with it!
I went to Studio Tomi Yrjänä and got my hair done by Carmine. This is the first time I've ever been to a salon, before I've just gone to those private hairdressers that have a room in their house (now that I'm writing that I'm aware it sounds creepy) set up for hairdressing. I was quite nervous, but very ready for a change. I've been thinking about getting my hair dyed again since the last time I got it dyed was when I was 15. That's 4 years ago now.
I booked my appointment last week, just telling people I was going to get a trim and nothing else. Well, I PRANKED YOU. I booked an appointment for cut and colour, and then I started googling inspiration. I kind of knew I wanted a reddish brown, but at the same time nothing too dark. 
When I sat down in the chair to chat to Carmine, I told him I didn't really know what colour I wanted. We chatted a little and I showed him a picture of a girl with hair that I really liked and he took it from there. I told him I trust him to do what he knows will look good and that's how we got here. AND I'M SO HAPPY. I can't stop touching my hair and I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror (how vain of me).
I was at the salon from 12:45pm to 3:45pm so it took a good 3 hours, but it was a relaxing 3 hours as well. He started off by trimming my ends because I needed it. I had asked him how much he would want to trim off to get rid of all my split ends but that was way too much so we settled on only a few centimetres. It still feels a lot shorter but it feels so much healthier and I'm going to have to search for a lot longer to find a split end. 
I have to say, Carmine is the hairdresser I've looked for my whole life. He understood curly hair and he did things exactly how I wanted them done without me even telling him (like cutting the hair with the scissors pointing upwards so it's not cut straight across). I've found someone who completely understands me and my hair and now I'm sad because I'm moving to England and he's in Finland. As a friend suggested, I might just have to fly to Finland every time I need to get my hair done.

I think my hair to me is really important, it's part of my identity, just because of the fact that I have curly hair. As a curly-haired girl I've heard a lot of "wow, is that your natural hair?", "Is it naturally that curly?" and "oh I wish I had naturally curly hair!" and sometimes it's all people really notice about me. I think that's why I'm always so scared when I go to the hairdressers, because if they cut it wrong or do anything a way I don't want them to, I'm scared that I won't look like me.
I've also been on a journey to learn to love my hair, just because of the fact that it's curly. I remember in elementary and middle school, how much I hated my curly hair. When I was 12 or 13 years old I asked for a hair straightener for my birthday and I got one. From that on until I was 15 I religiously straightened my hair, because I didn't want to stick out or draw attention to my curly hair.
But in 9th grade (when I was 15) I just stopped caring, and went on a journey to start loving my curly hair. And since then I've discovered that there's a lot of things to love about curly hair. So let me list you a few:

1. It's never electric. I love when my straight-haired friends have been complaining about their hair standing up because of electricity and I'm just there like:
Minding my own business.

2. You can have every day curls, fancy curls and FANCY STRAIGHT HAIR. What do straight-haired girls do when they have prom or something like that? They curl their hair. What can I do? STRAIGHTEN IT. Or curl it. Or leave it natural.

3. No big knots. This might just be my hair type so don't quote me on this, but my hair is full of tiny knots (as in literally two hairs getting curled together a little too tight making a tiny knot), but nothing that bothers me. I've never in my ENTIRE LIFE suffered from a major knot that has taken hours to untangle (except that time I got chewing gum stuck in my hair but that happens no matter what hair type you have).

4. Volume. No matter what. Have you ever seen me with no volume in my hair when I've had it naturally curly? I don't think so. Curly hair = volume. No flat hair days ever.

5. Endless compliments. As I said, sometimes all people notice about me is my curly hair and it brings a lot of compliments. I'll take the compliments and up my confidence please and thank you.

Curly hair is just all around awesome (okay I'm lying but right now we're focusing on the positive) and I'm so sad that I spent all those years straightening it and trying to kill the curls. But I'm happy my curls didn't disappear.

I know lots of curly-haired girls grow up hating their hair and straightening it every day of their lives, simply because that's the norm. But you don't have to be the normal, you can stand out and that's totally fine. Also, if anyone ever tells you they wouldn't want curly hair, know that they secretly envy you and want to cut your hair off to wear it themselves. Anyone who says that they've never wanted curly hair is lying because everyone, at some point in their life, has told me that they want curly hair. 
Rock your hair girl, it looks great♥

Youtube | Twitter | Instagram | Snapchat: itsmaddiehbu

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Things Never Go As Planned

Oh Hi!

Things don't always go how you've planned them. In my life I seem to have a lot of those things, those things that don't go as planned.
I would've loved to come on here and write "SUCCESS, I GOT THE JOB AND I GOT THE APARTMENT" and I would've loved to live in a fairytale where everything goes according to plan. But, this is my life, and a real life, so of course that did not happen. Instead I came out of the job interview confused and a little disheartened, and didn't know how to continue.
The interview went great, the woman who interviewed me seemed to love me and want me to work there, but to get a job there you have to do a trial-shift, something I wasn't aware you had to do. I also overheard a conversation between one of the employees and a manager, and there seemed to be some drama going on. So I came out of the job interview, with no job and a feeling like I didn't really want that job.
I still viewed apartments the next day, and the first two apartments were, quite frankly, disasters. Dirty, or in bad places or just all around a no-no. So I really had to just place my faith in the 3rd and final apartment. Well, I kind of fell in love. It had this beautiful window, and this nice kitchen and bathroom and it was quite spacious (not like a house spacious, but spacious for a tiny apartment in a house). So I decided that even though I didn't have a job I'd make an offer. But this week I found out that I didn't get the apartment. Soooooooo.

So much for having plans and dreams huh?

We were supposed to fly to London on the 11th of September, but with no apartment that's not really happening. We just moved the flight to the 5th of November, so I'm still stuck here in this country for a few more months. But at least I'll be moving to England before Christmas, and that was the goal. I'm just sad it didn't work out like I thought it would've worked out.

So what's the plan now?

I don't really know. I have to find an apartment that looks nice and just make an offer on it without viewing. I'm going to maybe look to jump in as a substitute in schools while I wait for November to come. I don't know. I have to figure something out. Then once I move to England I'll go to every store and ask for a job.

I don't know.

To be honest, this has really gotten me down. I was so excited to pack up my life, and there wasn't an inch of me that wanted to stay here. I was ready to leave, and I'm ready to leave, and now I'm not leaving until the 5th of November. I know it's just 2 months, but until a few days ago I thought I was moving in less than 2 weeks. I almost started packing my things but then I thought "what if I don't get the apartment?" so luckily I didn't (or else it'd be a sad process unpacking).
I don't really know what else to say. Things didn't go as planned and it's getting me down. But I'll get up. I always get up, I know that. Just right now, all I really want to do is book a trip to somewhere and just go to get a breath of fresh air and to come back with a new happiness and with new inspiration. But I can't, because all the money I have I need for when I move. So once again, I'm stuck.
(You don't know this but I took a half hour break from writing this blogpost and just looked at the cheapest flights to different countries and now a trip to one of these countries is really tempting me).

What's your advice? What should I do? And how can I make the time go faster?
Youtube | Twitter | Instagram | Snapchat: itsmaddiehbu

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Saturday, August 19, 2017

A Short Life Update

Oh hi!

It's an exciting day today for me and I thought I would write about what is happening to keep anyone who reads my blog in the loop. Today I'm off to Helsinki with my dad, and tomorrow we're flying to England!
The flight to Gatwick leaves early in the morning, so to not have to take the night train to the airport we've got a hotel room in Helsinki that we'll be staying at. Tomorrow we have a pretty chill day as we get to England quite early (at about 10am) so we can just wander around and do whatever.
On Monday I have a job interview at a restaurant at 4pm. I am so extremely nervous. I've never had a job interview so I don't really know what to expect, but I've done my best preparing for it by researching and reading some tips on how to do well in a job interview. I really really hope I get this job.
On Tuesday we're viewing 4 apartments, and I'm hoping that one of them is suitable for me. If I find an apartment and get the job I'll be moving to England in September! Exciting times!
Aaaand on Wednesday we get back home. So that's what's happening in my life!
I really want this job. It's nothing fancy but I need a job so that I can move to England. So if you could all just cross your fingers for me to get this job, that'd be amazing!

This is probably the shortest blogpost I've ever written, but I just wanted to do a quick update to keep everyone in the loop!
If you want to see pictures and get in-time updates from me, make sure you add me on snapchat: itsmaddiehbu I do random rambles on there and just chat about what's going on!

Have you ever had a job interview? If so, do you have any tips for me?
Youtube | Twitter | Instagram | Snapchat: itsmaddiehbu

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Saturday, August 12, 2017

A Pointless Blogpost? - Saturday Ramble

Oh Hi,

here I am sat at 11:13pm on a Friday evening with thoughts running through my head and I remember that I now run a blog that is for those thoughts. So strap in, let's go on a journey through my brain and see where we end up (because I don't know either).
I don't think I quite realised how hard it is to find an apartment in the outskirts of London. When I've looked at apartments online I've found lots and lots that I like, but once I've actually contacted the estate agent I've always got the same reply: "this apartment has already been let." Oh okay. And so my search has continued until now, where today I booked in viewings for 4 apartments for when I'm going to England in a week. Let's just hope one of the apartments meet my criteria and is affordable enough and is actually available so that I can get it. Everyone cross your fingers, hands, legs, toes, hair, everything.
I've also booked in the job interview and I've started prepping for that. Fun fact, it will be my first ever job interview so I don't want to show up unprepared and not knowing what to expect. Google has been my best friend when preparing for it, and I'm sure it'll be just fine. As long as I remember to breathe.

I've been really wanting to start pack all my things, but there's no use in doing that before I even know if I have an apartment or a job. However, I've been staring at all of my crap, wondering how the hell am I going to bring all of this stuff to England in 3 massive suitcases? The suitcases are massive, but they will not fit all of my stuff. I'm quite intrigued to actually find out how many boxes my parents will have to send me once I've moved.
It's crazy to think that in one month (one month exactly today, 11th of August) I might be moving to England but it's still not fully happening or sinking in as I don't have an apartment or a job. If I don't find an apartment that I can move in to on the 11th of September or during that week starting 11th September then I'll just be taking a short trip there. How fun.
I really really really really hope everything will fall into place. I'm so ready to pack up my life and move to another country, and as I've said before, there is not one part of me that is unsure or scared. I'm just excited and I hope it will all work out. Again, cross your fingers etc.

What else?...

This week we visited my grandparents from mom's side who live about 200 km away from us. We stayed at their summer cottage from Monday to Thursday (well I actually slept Wednesday night at my grandparents' apartment because mom snores so loudly I didn't sleep very well the other nights). Out at their summer cottage the service is absolutely terrible, and I realised how much I take good phone service for granted. I couldn't check Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat or Youtube and I couldn't even listen to music if I hadn't downloaded it from Apple Music. If I texted somebody it took 2 minutes for that text to deliver. It drove me insane, which is quite worrying because that might indicate that I'm completely addicted to everything on my phone.
I would like to say that it made me detox and take a break from social media and to just enjoy nature, but that would be a complete and total lie. I jacked my mom's service because she (and my brother and dad) has 4G while I have 3G, so she had good service. I used her 4G to download all the songs I wanted to download and I also used her 4G whenever I got a Snapchat or wanted to check Twitter or Instagram. I'm completely useless and lost without my phone.
I can't really say that's something I feel like I want to change though. When I'm going on about my day to day life I don't check my phone every minute. I rarely scroll through Instagram because of their crappy algorithm. I check Twitter, Instagram, texts and Snapchats in the morning, and then I go about my day. I don't need to have my phone with me all the time, and I can be without my phone just fine. I'm aware I'm starting to sound like a person who's addicted to smoking trying to convince themselves and others that they're not addicted to smoking.
But really though, I can leave my phone untouched for hours and not feel like a piece of me is missing. But when I'm forced to not check my phone BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO CHECK BECAUSE NOTHING WILL LOAD, that's when it becomes hard. Because when you don't have something you're aware that you don't have it and you want it. When you have it, you don't really care or even think about it that much. But when it's taken from you, you suddenly feel empty. Yes, I felt like a part of me was missing because I couldn't check Twitter or send a Snap.
There was also really nothing to do. Luckily I brought my favourite book, "The Humans" by Matt Haig, so I read that. If I hadn't brought that I would've honestly gone insane.

Whenever I sit down to write a ramble blogpost I'm always blown away by how much crap I can write in one blogpost. It's daunting staring at the empty page telling me to write something, but then once I start writing it's like I could never stop. It's very weird.
This might be a completely pointless blogpost but I'm telling myself that every time I write I practice. So it's okay if it's a jumbled mess and nothing makes sense. It's okay if I've just rambled. At least I'm writing something.

Tell me, do you feel like you're addicted to that thing in your pocket (your phone I mean)? Or do you think you'd be fine if you didn't have a phone?

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu