Saturday, October 7, 2017

Sharing the Downhill

I can feel myself slipping. Losing grip of life. I don't know how I got here again. It might just be a bump in the road, but right now it feels like I've gone back to square one. Back to that empty feeling and the silent tears.
As a person who's been depressed, and gotten better, my biggest fear is always to relapse. To somehow end up in the same place I was before. And I'm scared to admit that I might be slowly on my way there. And I don't want to, but it's hard when I don't even really understand or know where this feeling of sudden emptiness and indifference is coming from. It's a bump in the road to not be able to find an apartment in England, and it's a bump in the road to be in a vicious cycle that is called "you have to have a full time job to be able to get an apartment". It's just a bump in the road, so why am I feeling like I've gone back to square one? Stuck, once again.
I'm only seeing the 4 same people, over and over. My 3 family members, and my one friend. All other friends have gone off to university in other cities or other countries, and I didn't expect to be in this country anymore by September. But of course I'm here, and so I'm starting to feel very... Isolated. I love these 4 people, but after 13 years of seeing multiple different people 5 days a week, it's quite a change to just see 4 people, 3 of them every single day, and one of them maybe once or twice a week. It's getting horribly repetitive and I just feel so stuck.
On top of that, I'm also having very vivid dreams every single night. And in these dreams I'm hanging out with the people who caused me so much heartache. Every. single. night. The same people, different scenario. Different story being played out. And it's so tiring to go to sleep when I know I'll wake up disoriented and think "what the hell was that?". I'm aware I'm sounding insane. But I'm just being vulnerable.

I don't know what to do.

The England dream is slipping away, because every time I get in contact with an estate agency I get the same reply: I have to have a steady income to be able to rent through them, or I have to be able to pay 6 months' rent upfront, which I can't do because I don't have that much money. To get a steady income (aka a job) I have to be able to go to job interviews, and I can't fly back and forth to England all the time. And nobody wants to hire somebody who doesn't know when they'll be back in the country. So that means to get a job I have to live in England. But I can't live in England when I don't have a job. Humans really know how to put other, younger, humans in vicious cycles.

The thing is, I want to get out of here. And right now, every extra month I have to live here is torture. It might just be a month, or two, until I manage to move, but it feels like forever. Because I've wanted to get out of here since I was 13 years old. But here I am, 6 years later, feeling just as trapped as then, but in a completely different circumstance.

I wish the dreams would stop. I'm getting tired of being visited by demons every night. I'm not necessarily having nightmares, it's more just tiring dreams about things that happened, or didn't happen, and my brain trying to process them. I thought I had left these demons behind, at least a little bit, but they seem to keep wanting to pop up in my brain. So now I'm dreaming about them during the night, and because I dream about them, I then think about them during the day. And that's another vicious cycle, but that one I seem to have created myself.

Right now, I just want to leave everything and go. Go travel a little. Go figure out what I want to do with my life. But I can't, because all the money I have I need for England. Because of Brexit I really have to get into the country before March 2019, otherwise I would just put the England dream on hold and go travel for a while. But because of Brexit I can't, and I have to get into the country.

The worst thing about slipping, and relapsing (somewhat), is that I have absolutely no motivation to get better again. I don't want to talk to my parents, because I don't want them worrying about me (they worry anyways). And since my 3 year of free therapy ended, I don't have my therapist either. I'm still on anti-depressants, but they're not doing a lot for me right now, and the last thing I want is to up my dosage. So, it seems I'm on my own. At least for now.

I would love to write about how happy my life is, but since I shared my uphill, I thought I should share my downhill. Because life isn't picture-perfect, and sometimes you end up going down a really steep hill. And here comes the feeling of failure.

"I have my fair share of demons,
all come with different sets of
You'd think I might've seen
someone get killed.


I just saw heartbreak
and disgusting words
being thrown around
like nothing.

So in my head they live,
these demons
with their nightmares.

I just hope their counterparts
have nightmares too."

I leave you with that poem I wrote a few days ago.
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I want to state that I wrote this blogpost on a Saturday evening when I was feeling especially crappy. Mental health goes up and down, and I don't think mine will ever be on a constant high or constantly on a line. I think it's almost what I've come to expect. But I wanted to share this because it's real and I want my blog to be real and honest. And this is real and honest.
However I don't want anyone to worry about me, it's just, as I write, a bump in the road.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Goals For The End of The Year

Oh hi!

This year is slowly coming to an end, and with only 3 months left of the year I decided it was time to reflect and to set up some goals that are within reach for the end of the year. Since most of these goals actually have to do with my online presence, I thought I would share them with you, and maybe you will want to set up your own goals for these last 3 months of 2017.
Now this is something I'm not 100% sure is in reach, but I will do my absolute best to get an apartment and move to England in November. I really hope it works out.

For 2017, one of my new year's resolutions was to read 15 books. It might not be a lot, but I haven't been reading a lot the past few years so I decided if I actually managed to read 15 books this year I would maybe get into reading books again. Well, I've read 9 books so far, so that leaves 2 a month now for the end of the year. And that's doable.

I've been stuck around the 1,080 mark for about 2 years. I hit 1,000 followers and then it just kind of stopped. So, before the end of the year I want to gain around 20 followers. While I can honestly say that I don't really care about followers, I will be honest and say that it's been annoying to be stuck on the same number for so long and since I want to grow my blog and my youtube, it's hard if I'm stuck on the same number on other social medias, because to grow your blog you have to grow your following (most of the time).
I'd love it if you hopped over to and click that "follow" button. And if you tweet me, I will of course follow back! And maybe we can be friends, who knows?

Similarly to Twitter, I've been stuck on the same number of followers for so long. I have 217 followers, and I've been around that follower count for about a year. So it would be nice if you went over to and clicked that "follow" button, and I will make sure to follow you back! It can be your early Christmas gift to me. Also, I'm going to start posting a lot more on there, so stay tuned for that!
Now I'll be the first to admit that I've been absolutely horrible at blogging the last few years. I've posted inconsistently and I don't want it that way anymore. While I'm not yet setting up a schedule and deciding to post on a certain day, I want to make sure that I post at least once a week. And once I manage to post once a week, I can then make a schedule for myself. But I know myself too well to say "I'll post every Wednesday and Saturday", because I know I'll fail if I do that. So, I'm keeping it casual, but willing myself to post at least once a week.
I've also ordered a DSLR camera and with that I hope to get better pictures for my blog (and Instagram).
If I've been horrible at blogging, my Youtube channel has suffered even more. I want to start filming more for my Youtube channel and I want to find a love for doing it again. And with a new camera (and a tripod!!) on their way to my house as we speak, the quality will also be a lot better. And I can finally start filming things my current camera hasn't allowed me to film. So, stay tuned for that!

I want to part-take in bloggers chats, BUT I JUST FORGET THAT THEY'RE HAPPENING. I need to make some kind of list of all the bloggers chats, and put it up right in front of my laptop so I see it at all times, then maybe I'll remember. So, if you know of a bloggers chat, tweet me at what time it happens so I can join in!

I think when the colder months come, many of us just give up on staying active, because we don't need a "bikini body" during the colder months (also, Christmas chocolate!!). But I don't want to do that this year. I want to stay active and at least go for walks, if nothing else. I want to get back into a workout routine, because recently I've really been slacking off. So I want to be active, and stay active.
Sidenote: does any other glasses-wearers find it super difficult to work out? Say you decide to go for a run, if you don't wear your glasses you don't see a lot, but if you do wear your glasses they fog up. SEND HELP. (Yes, I know contact lenses exist and I use them every now and again.)

That's it, that's my goals for the end of the year! Will I manage to reach all goals? Probably not, but they're guidelines for what I want.
Do you have any goals for the end of the year, or are you waiting until New Year to set yourself some new goals?♥

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Sunday, September 3, 2017

Things Never Go As Planned

Oh Hi!

Things don't always go how you've planned them. In my life I seem to have a lot of those things, those things that don't go as planned.
I would've loved to come on here and write "SUCCESS, I GOT THE JOB AND I GOT THE APARTMENT" and I would've loved to live in a fairytale where everything goes according to plan. But, this is my life, and a real life, so of course that did not happen. Instead I came out of the job interview confused and a little disheartened, and didn't know how to continue.
The interview went great, the woman who interviewed me seemed to love me and want me to work there, but to get a job there you have to do a trial-shift, something I wasn't aware you had to do. I also overheard a conversation between one of the employees and a manager, and there seemed to be some drama going on. So I came out of the job interview, with no job and a feeling like I didn't really want that job.
I still viewed apartments the next day, and the first two apartments were, quite frankly, disasters. Dirty, or in bad places or just all around a no-no. So I really had to just place my faith in the 3rd and final apartment. Well, I kind of fell in love. It had this beautiful window, and this nice kitchen and bathroom and it was quite spacious (not like a house spacious, but spacious for a tiny apartment in a house). So I decided that even though I didn't have a job I'd make an offer. But this week I found out that I didn't get the apartment. Soooooooo.

So much for having plans and dreams huh?

We were supposed to fly to London on the 11th of September, but with no apartment that's not really happening. We just moved the flight to the 5th of November, so I'm still stuck here in this country for a few more months. But at least I'll be moving to England before Christmas, and that was the goal. I'm just sad it didn't work out like I thought it would've worked out.

So what's the plan now?

I don't really know. I have to find an apartment that looks nice and just make an offer on it without viewing. I'm going to maybe look to jump in as a substitute in schools while I wait for November to come. I don't know. I have to figure something out. Then once I move to England I'll go to every store and ask for a job.

I don't know.

To be honest, this has really gotten me down. I was so excited to pack up my life, and there wasn't an inch of me that wanted to stay here. I was ready to leave, and I'm ready to leave, and now I'm not leaving until the 5th of November. I know it's just 2 months, but until a few days ago I thought I was moving in less than 2 weeks. I almost started packing my things but then I thought "what if I don't get the apartment?" so luckily I didn't (or else it'd be a sad process unpacking).
I don't really know what else to say. Things didn't go as planned and it's getting me down. But I'll get up. I always get up, I know that. Just right now, all I really want to do is book a trip to somewhere and just go to get a breath of fresh air and to come back with a new happiness and with new inspiration. But I can't, because all the money I have I need for when I move. So once again, I'm stuck.
(You don't know this but I took a half hour break from writing this blogpost and just looked at the cheapest flights to different countries and now a trip to one of these countries is really tempting me).

What's your advice? What should I do? And how can I make the time go faster?
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Saturday, August 19, 2017

A Short Life Update

Oh hi!

It's an exciting day today for me and I thought I would write about what is happening to keep anyone who reads my blog in the loop. Today I'm off to Helsinki with my dad, and tomorrow we're flying to England!
The flight to Gatwick leaves early in the morning, so to not have to take the night train to the airport we've got a hotel room in Helsinki that we'll be staying at. Tomorrow we have a pretty chill day as we get to England quite early (at about 10am) so we can just wander around and do whatever.
On Monday I have a job interview at a restaurant at 4pm. I am so extremely nervous. I've never had a job interview so I don't really know what to expect, but I've done my best preparing for it by researching and reading some tips on how to do well in a job interview. I really really hope I get this job.
On Tuesday we're viewing 4 apartments, and I'm hoping that one of them is suitable for me. If I find an apartment and get the job I'll be moving to England in September! Exciting times!
Aaaand on Wednesday we get back home. So that's what's happening in my life!
I really want this job. It's nothing fancy but I need a job so that I can move to England. So if you could all just cross your fingers for me to get this job, that'd be amazing!

This is probably the shortest blogpost I've ever written, but I just wanted to do a quick update to keep everyone in the loop!
If you want to see pictures and get in-time updates from me, make sure you add me on snapchat: itsmaddiehbu I do random rambles on there and just chat about what's going on!

Have you ever had a job interview? If so, do you have any tips for me?
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Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Saturday, August 12, 2017

A Pointless Blogpost? - Saturday Ramble

Oh Hi,

here I am sat at 11:13pm on a Friday evening with thoughts running through my head and I remember that I now run a blog that is for those thoughts. So strap in, let's go on a journey through my brain and see where we end up (because I don't know either).
I don't think I quite realised how hard it is to find an apartment in the outskirts of London. When I've looked at apartments online I've found lots and lots that I like, but once I've actually contacted the estate agent I've always got the same reply: "this apartment has already been let." Oh okay. And so my search has continued until now, where today I booked in viewings for 4 apartments for when I'm going to England in a week. Let's just hope one of the apartments meet my criteria and is affordable enough and is actually available so that I can get it. Everyone cross your fingers, hands, legs, toes, hair, everything.
I've also booked in the job interview and I've started prepping for that. Fun fact, it will be my first ever job interview so I don't want to show up unprepared and not knowing what to expect. Google has been my best friend when preparing for it, and I'm sure it'll be just fine. As long as I remember to breathe.

I've been really wanting to start pack all my things, but there's no use in doing that before I even know if I have an apartment or a job. However, I've been staring at all of my crap, wondering how the hell am I going to bring all of this stuff to England in 3 massive suitcases? The suitcases are massive, but they will not fit all of my stuff. I'm quite intrigued to actually find out how many boxes my parents will have to send me once I've moved.
It's crazy to think that in one month (one month exactly today, 11th of August) I might be moving to England but it's still not fully happening or sinking in as I don't have an apartment or a job. If I don't find an apartment that I can move in to on the 11th of September or during that week starting 11th September then I'll just be taking a short trip there. How fun.
I really really really really hope everything will fall into place. I'm so ready to pack up my life and move to another country, and as I've said before, there is not one part of me that is unsure or scared. I'm just excited and I hope it will all work out. Again, cross your fingers etc.

What else?...

This week we visited my grandparents from mom's side who live about 200 km away from us. We stayed at their summer cottage from Monday to Thursday (well I actually slept Wednesday night at my grandparents' apartment because mom snores so loudly I didn't sleep very well the other nights). Out at their summer cottage the service is absolutely terrible, and I realised how much I take good phone service for granted. I couldn't check Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat or Youtube and I couldn't even listen to music if I hadn't downloaded it from Apple Music. If I texted somebody it took 2 minutes for that text to deliver. It drove me insane, which is quite worrying because that might indicate that I'm completely addicted to everything on my phone.
I would like to say that it made me detox and take a break from social media and to just enjoy nature, but that would be a complete and total lie. I jacked my mom's service because she (and my brother and dad) has 4G while I have 3G, so she had good service. I used her 4G to download all the songs I wanted to download and I also used her 4G whenever I got a Snapchat or wanted to check Twitter or Instagram. I'm completely useless and lost without my phone.
I can't really say that's something I feel like I want to change though. When I'm going on about my day to day life I don't check my phone every minute. I rarely scroll through Instagram because of their crappy algorithm. I check Twitter, Instagram, texts and Snapchats in the morning, and then I go about my day. I don't need to have my phone with me all the time, and I can be without my phone just fine. I'm aware I'm starting to sound like a person who's addicted to smoking trying to convince themselves and others that they're not addicted to smoking.
But really though, I can leave my phone untouched for hours and not feel like a piece of me is missing. But when I'm forced to not check my phone BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO CHECK BECAUSE NOTHING WILL LOAD, that's when it becomes hard. Because when you don't have something you're aware that you don't have it and you want it. When you have it, you don't really care or even think about it that much. But when it's taken from you, you suddenly feel empty. Yes, I felt like a part of me was missing because I couldn't check Twitter or send a Snap.
There was also really nothing to do. Luckily I brought my favourite book, "The Humans" by Matt Haig, so I read that. If I hadn't brought that I would've honestly gone insane.

Whenever I sit down to write a ramble blogpost I'm always blown away by how much crap I can write in one blogpost. It's daunting staring at the empty page telling me to write something, but then once I start writing it's like I could never stop. It's very weird.
This might be a completely pointless blogpost but I'm telling myself that every time I write I practice. So it's okay if it's a jumbled mess and nothing makes sense. It's okay if I've just rambled. At least I'm writing something.

Tell me, do you feel like you're addicted to that thing in your pocket (your phone I mean)? Or do you think you'd be fine if you didn't have a phone?

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Saturday, July 29, 2017

The Vicious Circle of Procrastination - Saturday Ramble

Oh Hi,

There's becoming a reoccurring theme on this blog: me sitting down and just writing my heart out. But I quite like it like that, so we'll keep it going. I think this is something I'm going to start doing, a Saturday ramble. It might not be written on a Saturday, but it will always be posted on a Saturday. Unless I fail because I'm bad at commitments, but oh at least I tried.
This week I got new glasses and I'm actually obsessed with them. They're Tommy Hilfiger so I was super hyped and I was also hyped because I would finally be able to see better and not have constant headaches.

Other than getting new glasses, I haven't really done a lot this week. And that's what I want to write about today, not doing anything.
I sometimes find myself with this deep urge to do SOMETHING, my creative personality is screaming out at me, telling me I shouldn't be sat at the computer all day, I WANT TO DO STUFF. This has been one of those weeks.
I'm usually okay with just being at home, staring at my laptop screen 12 hours a day and then sleeping the other 12 hours, just to do the same thing again the next day. But one day this week I felt so restless, so bored like I needed to do something, ANYTHING. The funny youtube videos and heartfelt vlogs weren't cutting it for me and I wanted to do something. 
That feeling to want to do something, anything, has passed. Not quite, but mostly. At the beginning of the week the feeling was "get me out of the house and let's DO SOMETHING", now the feeling has changed to "Maddie do something with your life, be creative". What's so weird and what drives me insane is that I have this feeling of wanting to do all this stuff, like writing or painting or drawing, and I love doing all that, but I don't get to actually doing it. I procrastinate even if it's something I want to do. I feel so trapped, wanting to do all these things but finding myself procrastinating and doing things I do every. single. day.
It's quite a vicious circle, wanting to do something but then procrastinating and a few days later not wanting to do it anymore so I keep procrastinating until I get the feeling that I want to do it again and the cycle starts again. And I'm stuck in this circle, trying to get out of it but not really because I'm PROCRASTINATING. I sometimes manage to get out of it, to write a little (like how I'm writing this blogpost), draw, paint, sing or something like that, and then I'm back in the circle again, going round and round, not ever really getting out.
Procrastinating is such a first world problem as well. We're the people who might have the luxury to get away with procrastination, but really we don't. It bites us in the ass when we hand in an assignment late, or we just. don't. get. anything. done. We're useless sometimes, aren't we?
What's also horrible with procrastination is that I find myself thinking "when I've moved to London I'll really put time and effort into this" "when I have inspiration to do that I'll do that" "once I've done this I'll do that". Why can't I just start now? How come I can't start writing that book now, painting that painting now? How come I always think "I'll do it when I'm in that situation" because there's really no time like the present. Why can't I just get on with it and DO IT? I want to do all of these things, and still I push them forward into the future. Who knows how busy I'll be once I've moved to London, so why am I not doing that thing right now while I have summer break? I really need to get a grip.
I want to get to a point where if I want to do something, I just do it. It shouldn't be this hard. I just have to do it.
But I don't manage to do it.

What a vicious circle to be stuck in.

During Monday and Tuesday I helped my friend clean out her closet, on Wednesday I got my new glasses, on Thursday I visited two friends who live about 45 minutes away from me, Friday (today for me) I had the third stage of getting my drivers license (the first stage is having the actual test and getting the license, second is group driving and third is driving on slippery surface to make sure we all still remember that, so now I fully have my drivers license, what joy) and my friend Anna visited me, Saturday I'm going to hers and her husband's to help them pack for when they're moving and on Sunday I'm probably going to sleep. So I lied, I've done a lot. But my brain is still screaming at me, because me doing all those things was probably procrastination from doing all the other things I want to do. But I did do things I want to do, just not things my brain is telling me to do.

Tell me, are you also stuck in this circle? Are we circling together in this frustrating hell? Or are you good at doing things you want to do? If so, give me some tips, I really need them.

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Depression - how I got help

Oh Hi,

I have often, on this blog and other social media, hinted that I've suffered with mental health problems or the like, and I've always said that I'll talk about it some other time. It has never felt right and I've always wondered when I should write about my story, and how much I want to share. It's a scary world to be honest in, and I know that whatever I say or write is out there forever.
But why does it feel like I can't be truly honest about my struggles? Why does it feel like I shouldn't share my story of suffering with depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety? Is it because of the stigma around it all?
Truth is, I'm very open about it in real life. All my friends know that I've suffered from depression and they know that I currently suffer from anxiety. Some of them know the whole story while others know bits and pieces. But they know.
If anyone in real life, face to face, asks me if I've ever suffered from a mental illness I'm honest. I answer truthfully and openly, because I don't see a point in denying it. But I guess on the internet you can choose what to share, and you only want to share the good parts that make you look like a perfect human being with no problems or struggles in life.
But, I'm not perfect and I've had problems and I still have problems. I suffered with severe depression all my teenage years, and even before that. It's unclear in my head exactly when I started feeling depressed, and of course it happened gradually, over a longer period of time, but I remember having suicidal thoughts at the age of 11, maybe even 10. I remember this, because I had written in my diary, declaring that the world would be better without me and that I was useless. I found this diary when I was clearing out my room to renovate it, and it broke me. I have memories of feeling depressed or extremely sad when I was as young as 7 years old.
I suffered in silence for many years, until I was 13. I had started middle school and I remember how difficult it all was, in my group of friends and everything was all over the place. I confided in our school nurse, because I remember thinking the school counsellor looked scary. I don't exactly remember what the school nurse said, but it felt like she didn't take me serious. Another time I had a breakdown in school, and my friends took me to the counsellor. After that I started to see the counsellor every other week or so. Honestly this period in my life is very blurry, I think I've blocked it out and I don't tend to think back to it very often.
The current counsellor switched schools and we got a new one. I started seeing her and I remember doing a depression test, that would basically determine how depressed I was. When I had filled it all out and the counsellor had looked over it she said "well, according to this you're severely depressed but I'm not actually allowed to do an evaluation.". In my head I was screaming, begging her to call in a psychologist that had the rights to do an evaluation and could get me some real help. But no. I was quickly finished with seeing that counsellor.
October of 2012 I had had enough of adults not listening to me. I was going to try one more time, and if nobody listened then, I was ready to leave forever. We had a day in the woods with my whole grade that day, 25th October 2012. It was cold, and wet and I remembered we had sausages and something else to eat, and I laughed and acted like normal. When we finished the day, everyone else went back to school by bus, but the bus dropped me off right outside our house, as I lived quite close to the woods we went to and had gotten permission to not have to come back to school to then have to go back home when the teachers and I knew we'd pass my house when going back. I walked home, got changed and jumped on my bike, and rode the 6 km to our hospital. I knew if they didn't listen at the hospital I could give up.
I went up to the desk, and as soon as the woman sitting at the desk looked up at me, I started sobbing. I told her I needed someone to talk to and that I needed help. She asked for my name and then she found out I was at the wrong section of the hospital, so she led me to my section. There was another desk with a nurse sitting behind it and I told her the same thing. I needed someone to talk to. I got to sit down and wait and soon enough I got taken into a room to talk to a nurse, who scribbled down something and then told me she'd contact a doctor to come talk to me. I found out that the doctor I was going to meet was a gynaecologist but that she was an all round doctor and cared for everyone. She was very busy and she was at another hospital, so I waited in the room, and after an hour or so the doctor came.
She introduced herself and sat down, the nurse gave her a coffee and left us alone. The way the doctor looked at me I knew I could trust her, and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I had been suffering with depression for a long time and that nobody had listened. I told her I needed help immediately because I was ready to give up. She listened and nodded and when I was finished she came with a solution. She got me an appointment for the next day to a psychiatrist, and she told me that I have to have a parent with me because I'm so young (I was 14). She gave me a note that she wrote for my parents so that if I didn't want to explain they could just read that and she wished me good luck. I rode my bike home.
When I got home my dad and brother were already home, I hadn't expected the hospital visit to last that long. Dad asked me where I've been and I said "to the hospital". He looked at me and asked why, and I don't remember what I replied. I think I told him that I was depressed and needed help, but I'm not sure. When mom came home I told them that they needed to come with me to the psychiatrist the next day and that I wasn't going to school. They were of course both in shock.
The next day we went to the appointment. I don't remember much of it. I remember crying. I remember mom crying. I remember dad being quiet. And I remember the psychiatrist asking me if I thought I could be at home and be safe or if I needed to be in hospital to not commit suicide. I answered honestly, explaining that I didn't trust myself to not kill myself. Mom cried more.
So it was decided. I would go home, pack, and come back to the psychiatric clinic for children and teens later that day. I got a tour of the place and then we went back home. Mom cried even more and asked me if I wouldn't be fine at home. I said no.
I was in the psychiatric clinic for a week, doing nothing. It was good for me to get a break from school and everything and just focus on myself. I met a specialist nurse who I would get to go talk to every single week to start my recovery.
And so I started on the road to recovery. We first tried meetings with the nurse once a week, and a mild sleeping pill to help me fall asleep. I found that that wasn't enough and so I got a little stronger sleeping pill and continued with the appointments with the nurse. In February or March 2013 I started taking antidepressants when we felt that the therapy and sleeping pills weren't enough. I continued the therapy though.
I consider 2014 the year I was mostly free from depression, I was 16 then. The antidepressants had made a huge difference to my mental health and they, together with therapy, got me back to what I think I was before depression. To be honest, I don't remember that person before depression. I just know depressed me and recovered me. I still suffer from anxiety and I consider anxiety a side effect of depression, I tend to say that it's what's left of the depression. So far I have found that I can't get completely rid of my mental illnesses, but I'm trying. I'm still trying.
In Finland, when you're 16 you can legally get 3 years of free therapy if Kela (a company that pays unemployed people, students, the elderly etc etc, they basically give benefits to all kinds of people) finds that you need it. So in August 2014 I stopped going to the nurse (she wasn't a therapist, just a specialist nurse) and started going to see a therapist every week. In August my 3rd and final year is coming to an end. My therapist has helped me so much, she has taught me techniques to handle my anxiety and she's helped me overcome some of the worst things in my life. I've seen her pretty much every week for 3 years, and she's gotten to follow me for 3 years as I've been in my final years of school.
While I still suffer from anxiety, and it still hurts to think back to the bad days, I know that I will never have those bad days again. I know it will never get as bad as it was then, and I know I'm so much stronger now. The road to recovery wasn't easy, and I wouldn't say I'm at the end of that road, but it has been worth travelling on the road to recovery. Recovering is so much better than being buried under ground. It hurts me so deeply to think that I was ready to give up life, and that I felt like it wasn't worth it anymore. If I could, I would tell my 13-year-old-self that I'm worthy, and my life is worth fighting for. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's super far away.

What's so dangerous about mental illnesses is that the people suffering from them learn how to act. They learn to act like everything's okay, and most of the time nobody notices that they're not okay. People suffering with mental health problems should all get an Oscar, because we are honestly the greatest actors ever. But that's not good. It's not good when we act like we're fine and like everything's okay, because we're carrying the burden all by ourselves. It's not safe for anyone to carry the weight of their own dark thoughts alone. And it just gets heavier and heavier, because the longer you hold a glass of water, the heavier it feels.
If you're reading this, and you feel like the world is closing in on you, talk to someone. I truly know it's easier said than done, but you deserve your life. You deserve happiness. Talk to a friend, a parent, a teacher, a nurse, a counsellor, a doctor, a policeman, a firefighter, a mailman, ANYONE. If the first person you tell doesn't listen, tell someone else. Keep talking until someone listens, because you deserve being heard. You deserve to get your life back, and you will get your life back. It might feel like you're all alone but you're not. There are so many people that love you and care about you, and they all want the best for you. Someone will listen, I promise. It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help, it's a sign of strength. Remember that.

If you don't personally suffer from any mental illness, make sure you take care of the people around you. People who are suffering often suffer in silence, and they don't take care of themselves. Show the people you love that you love them. Let everyone you care about know that you're there for them. Be kind, be loving, be a friend. If you feel like someone you know is suffering, talk to them. Tell them you're there for them, let them know you care. But even if they don't seem like they're suffering, still show them you care.
Also know if someone confides in you and tells you that they're suffering from a mental health problem, you don't have to carry that weight all by yourself. Tell the person suffering that they should get professional help, and maybe offer to go with them. Let them know you're there for them and you'll always listen, but know that you don't have to deal with it on your own. If they won't tell a professional, you can. I know it might feel like snitching, but trust me, in the end they will thank you. Tell their parents, or a teacher, or someone, because anyone suffering from a mental illness needs professional help.
If you need someone to talk to, I'm always here to listen and help the best I can, but I can't stress enough how important it is to get professional help. They know how to help you and it's their duty to help you. Please never feel like you won't get help, because there is help out there. Sadly you just sometimes have to fight to get the help you deserve.
Please take care of yourselves and each other, because your life is worth it, and theirs are too♥

If you google "help for mental health in *name of your country*" you will find all the information you need about how to get professional help and what kind of help you can get!

Site to help you vent (on the site you can find other calming sites they have that can help you if you're having a particularly awful time)

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Changes Bringing a New Start

Oh Hi!

If you've been a reader of my blog for some time, or even since the last time I posted a blogpost, you will be able to see that there's been some changes. Do not freak out, these changes are good changes.

If you read my last blogpost (well actually, the one before that) you'd know that I graduated in June. I'm done with school now and it's such a freeing feeling. I think I've started to embrace myself and what I want now that I won't ever have to see some people again. In school you have to put up with people's crap even if you don't want to, because it's much easier to just sigh and think of something else than to start a shit storm, at least when you're so close to graduating. Now that I've graduated I feel like I can breathe normally, and I'm making conscious decisions for my future and for my dreams.

Therefore, the change. The new header, courtesy of the lovely Katie from, is absolutely wonderful and I'm so happy with it. I have the same header/banner/channel art on my youtube channel and I just feel like it gives such a new feeling to my blog and my youtube. It also shows what route I want to take when it comes to blogging and making videos. I had had my last header for years and years and I had outgrown it (also let's face it, it wasn't very good). This is a very welcome change.

There are other things changing too. In August/September (don't quite know yet) I'm moving to London, England (I'll be living a bit outside London but I'm not 'bout to tell you that exact location so "London" will do). 
If you know anything about me you know I've wanted to move to London since I learned that there's a place called London. And once I visited London last summer I was hooked.
I honestly didn't think it would happen this fast, but two days after I graduated I started looking for jobs, and it's all falling into place. I am so unbelievably excited and there's not one ounce of me that doesn't want this. I am wholeheartedly jumping into this and I've never felt happier.

I hope you will come on this journey with me. It will have its ups and its downs but it will be filled with excitement, creativity and all things Maddie.

See you soon

Have you seen my latest youtube video?

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Trapped | ItsMaddiehbu

I feel trapped. I want out. 
But what if I never get out?
Or what if I get out
and feel trapped again?

I guess what I'm trying to say is
I want to be free.
I want to feel like a bird.
But what if it's not the place
that is making me feel trapped,
what if it's my skin?

All I know is
I've felt trapped
ever since I can remember
and there are only moments
when I've felt free.
And those moments are often
in other places
so maybe that's why I
so strongly want to get away?

I don't know.
I just know I need to do whatever 
to stop feeling trapped.
Because feeling trapped
suffocates you
and strangles you.
I don't know.

Do you ever feel trapped?