Monday, March 4, 2019

Today I'm Angry


Today I'm angry. 

Angry at the people who made me like this, angry at the people who bullied me, who sexually harassed, sexually assaulted me into this person. I'm angry at the people who did all those things to me and got away with it.
I'm angry because I'm the only one who feels the repercussions of bullying, while they can go on living their lives as if they didn't ruin a person for life.
I'm angry because I don't like to admit that I'm angry very often, so the anger builds up until I'm reminded of how much they truly broke me.
I'm angry because I don't want to let them win, but me being angry means that right now they are winning. 
I'm angry because I want them to know how much they hurt me, but I'm angry because they will never know. 
I'm angry because they almost killed me with their words and thought nothing of it. 
I'm angry because they did these things to me, and they don't remember what they did. 
I'm angry because I remember and they've never given it a second thought. 
I'm angry because I want them to be hurting, not me. 
I'm angry because for once I would love to not be messed up because of other people, but instead I'm a mess because of what they did to me. 
I'm angry because no adult stepped in and actually cared, but instead let the bullies get away with what they were doing. I'm angry because adults played it down, and gave the boys an excuse for doing what they did to me. I'm angry because a hand shake and a forced "I'm sorry" doesn't fix anything, but instead shows the bully that they can keep doing what they're doing because they get away with it. 
I'm angry because their parents failed at their jobs to raise their kids, and instead made demons dressed up as humans. I'm angry because their parents will always praise their kids, not knowing that their kids broke another kid.
I'm angry because I have to let myself be angry, otherwise I might break a wall or a window or another human's face. 
I'm angry because I want the people to know what they did to me, and I'm angry because they didn't care and never will.
I'm angry because they were so reckless with another person's life and didn't stop to think that what they were doing is wrong. 
I'm angry because they're stuck in my head as these horrible demons, and they will never be able to become anything else.
I'm angry because they've been able to move on from what they did and maybe become better people, but I'm angry because they will never truly apologise to me.
I'm angry because every once in a while I'm reminded by these people and their actions, and I'm reminded by how truly horrible they were. I'm angry because to me they will never cease to be these people, no matter what good they might do in their lives. And I'm angry so that I can keep going, because anger means I'm still fighting.

This blogpost is brought to you by anger, as today I was reminded of how deep my scars truly go. I'm scarred in ways I didn't think was possible, just because of actions that children and teenagers made when we were all children and teenagers. I've had therapy for years because of what these people did to me, but every once in a while something new pops up and I'm sent into this cycle again. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Who knows how long it will take this time to get to acceptance?

So, whatever you do, be kind to the people around you. You cannot know how deeply you can damage someone by saying a simple word or doing a simple action. Every action has a consequence, but sometimes you won't feel that consequence, only the person on the other end of the action will feel it. So be kind. Be kind. Be kind. And if you see someone being not so kind, stand up to them. Because they need to know that this is not okay, and they are not allowed to drive people insane by saying and doing horrible things.

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Also, just a heads up that my twitter is locked at the moment and I'm waiting for it to be unlocked again. In the meantime I'm mostly active on Snapchat and Instagram so find me over there!