Friday, February 1, 2019

How do You Pack up Your Life And Move to Another Country?

Oh hi,

Hello, hi, hey, hola. It's me again. Yes, I am doing my bi-yearly blogpost, now that it's been another half a year since I last posted anything. Oh actually, it's been 10 months. Oops. I got a bit busy moving countries, and handling change happening everywhere.

Question: how do you pack up your life and move to another country? 

Answer: with a lot of panic and uncertainty.

Would I have enough money? Is it worth all the debt I'll be in after graduating? Would I make new friends? Would I miss home? Would I feel like I belong? 

To answer past-Maddie's questions: I'm surviving, usually I end up texting my parents at the end of the month asking for money for buses or pasta.  Can't say yet if the loans are worth it. Oh yes, I have made some amazing friends. Yes, yes I miss home, but mostly my dog. But do I belong? Do I really belong? In my own little world that I've made for myself, yes. And that's really all that matters.

If you want to talk logistics, I would not recommend moving countries with six suitcases. Turns out that it's quite difficult to drag your parents, and six suitcases, around Gatwick, Reading and Bath. Oh well. Also, if you'll be living in a tiny room in student halls, you'll have stuff everywhere. But, I have enough clothes and enough stuff to make me happy. So I guess it was worth it.

Another question I should answer is why? Why did I move? Most of you reading will know that I've started University here. I'm studying Creative Writing at Bath Spa University (please, I don't want any stalkers), currently in the middle of deadlines. A thousand words here, three thousand words there. A draft over there, a finished piece of writing right here. Words, words, words. Everywhere. 
But, getting into University isn't the only reason why I moved. Because why apply to a University in another country if you don't want to move? Truth is, I had felt trapped for a long time. Trapped in a version of myself that I was forced into. Trapped in a place, in a country, I didn't want to be in. So, I had to get out. And I did. I don't feel trapped anymore, because here, in a new country with new people, I can be 100% myself. I can say what I want to say, without feeling like someone will judge me. I can do what I want to do without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. I can be myself. And I'm finally beginning to accept who I am and what I've been through. I'm turning twenty-one this year, so I think it's time that I finally live my life for me, and live my truth. And that's what I'm doing here, with new amazing friends, and in a beautiful city.

When I first started University, I went out a lot. Did some partying, did some kissing, did some more drinking, did some watching other people smoke, did some dancing, and then reality hit us all. Or, should I say, University hit us. Hard. For a while I forgot what free time was, I forgot what I enjoyed doing during my free time, and if I did have free time I spent it with my flatmates or friends. Because sitting in my room on my laptop felt like wasting time. So I stopped wasting time. And now, here I am at 11pm, writing a blogpost, wasting time. But it's good time to waste, and maybe it's not wasted.
I've got my free time back after Christmas break, trying to remember to not hate myself when I'm not doing Uni work. Sometimes succeeding, mostly feeling like a waste. It's okay. It's been worse.

So. Question: how do you pack up your life and move to another country?

Answer: With hope, knowing that I'm living for myself now.

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